May 31 'We have a major problem' - pilot

Approaching a scary Altostratus Ahmed reached into his bag to consult Orville Wrights head but just a handful of thick unkempt hair was enough for the amateur pilot to realise he'd packed Stephen Kings head once again.
Don't let me down this time Master of Horror, he thought, nervously.

May 30 Colombia reveals mass land theft

When Columbia returned from his tour of duty aboard the International Space Center his first thought was of home. But as his hometown had never existed, a fact explained to him on numerous occasions during the subsequent six months of hospital treatment he has learned to stop talking of it. Although silent Columbia has been refining his theory, one based upon the principle that the physical world is created by our minds and that something must have caused everyone to forget his town at the same moment. Now, he waits for an email from a cosmonaut with whom he'd shared 14 months in orbit.  Columbia is ready to shake the world, to change the history of mankind forever.

May 29 Men injured in separate shootings

Today I read a man was shot in the leg during a burglary in my home town Inverness, where my mother and sister still live. It made me feel guilty as I don't call often enough. Later, the radio reported another incident, a man shot in the stomach described as being in a stable but critical situation; this man lived near Great Yarmouth, the seaside town my father had scuttled off to when he met the woman with the hips.
This time it brought back memories of saurday afternoons watching wrestling together; Giant Haystacks and Rollerball Rocco. She looked like Big Daddy, the woman he'd ran off with.

May 28 I do not do blame, says Shoesmith

It was his masterpiece, 14 inches high, snakeskin buckle and memory foam sole and if she was stupid enough to break her leg walking to the opera it was her own fault.

Go tell Esther Rantzen that and see how far you get.

May 27 Brazil votes to ease Amazon rules

"From tomorrow any Brazilian woman taller than 6 foot will no longer have to suffer the indignity of being classed 'Amazonian' "

The words echoed through São Paulo, the latest of a series of progressive reforms by the new regime.  Spontaneous applause broke out but dampened almost immediately as the President leant towards the camera, his face filling the outdoor video screens set up to cover the announcement and continued:

" For tomorrow there will be no women taller than 6 foot ".

May 26 Woman dies while driving on A72

After a while it didn't even make a difference if he was there or not : she'd slow down, maybe stop for a few minutes and then set off again, back to Galashiels promising that this would be the last time. Her heart broke in two on each journey till eventually it hardened and one time became her last time.

And then he found himself missing her more than he'd thought but Hamilton was too far for his Raleigh Grifter so she never knew of his change of heart.

May 25 Lost pyramids spotted from space

If we accept and most scientists now agree the evidence is conclusive; that the 'Egyptian' Pyramids are the top sections of giant stone sentinels hibernating inside the earth then the recent disappearance of two of these 'pyramids' and their subsequent sightings in Morocco and Corsica as documented by recent NASA photographs begs the question : Are they waking up or merely restless sleepers ?

May 24 Police accused of Pilkington failings

I re-read the email, outside, in the pod my proud officers were at work, the old and the young, their desks full of paperwork, telephones pressed to their ears, all pictures of dedication. Isn't this enough? these men and women who sacrificed so much for the job, those unable to hold down relationships, those who drank too much and still believed no one knew, they would go into battle for me, every one of them.
But it was there in black and white and I had to pull the trigger, telling good people very bad things is something I've become adept at. The pod quietened as I entered.
" We have been accused of Pilkington failings ", honesty and economy in equal measures.
No one looked for comfort or a place to hide, everyone held my gaze, strong and determined.
" Best get on with then Boss" Corporal Darwin spoke and then he stepped forward and shook my hand.
The cheers began then and the chanting and as we held each other and danced into the night I knew I would die for these people.
Days later I found out Pilkington Failings was merely an abandoned train station in Dorset and my officers guilty of an elaborate but ultimately rewarding practical joke, this is my team and this is why I'm a policeman.

May 23 Uganda warning on honking protest

I thought about my speech .

My Kampala, that stood originally on seven hills but flourished and grew to over 20 is a sign of all that is progressive about Uganda. These council offices we stand in represent a true cross section of our vibrant community, the  Baganda and Banyankole and the more esoteric and contemporary tribes such as the Restless and the mysterious Shadies but we now face a terrible situation.

This country that has seen so much bloodshed, coup and counter coups, this country that is bending over backwards to be inclusive is being brought to the edge by members of the Animalistic party and their insistence on honking like geese over any discussion they feel ignores the concerns of the native wildlife.

There are those of you with buttons and car stickers showing your support, I Honk for the Good of my Animal Brethren has become the latest fashion but I ask you, as one Ugandan to another, to think again, to see the dangers this action is causing to our fledgling democracy, please:  be good Ugandans and be respectful Ugandans.

I would be clapped and everyone would cheer, and then I'll eat the burger right there in front of them, that'll teach them all

May 22 Ugly House race to find wildlife

The president thinks he'll win because he is powerful, the artist thinks he'll win because he is true, the politician thinks he'll win because he has the mandate and the factory owners thinks they'll win because they put the most hours in.

It is Tuesday and all those that feel themselves important but really, we can do without are racing for their lives. The first to find the marked animals will be spared. 

May 21 Police hold man over Queen bomb

Corby is hardly a royal hotspot so the sight of 42 men, women and children, all with the face of Queen Elizabeth II running riot, bloodied and confused was not only worrying but out of character. With such an unusual event to cover the Corby Mercury & Citizen ordered a second print run, the first since Cat Stevens became lodged in a drain during a meet and greet in the late 1980's.

PC Williams, quoted in the CM&M confirmed a local man was being held in custody and interviewed by very clever scientists.

May 20 Disaster donors play 'blame game'

The sparrow with the face of a boy, who avoids windows and wishes he'd never owned a monkeys paw took an age to get back to New York, his tiny wings pushed to the absolute limit. Somewhere, in a fancy condominium, there is a old man with face of a sparrow watching the sky. Who will emerge victorious?

May 19 Glimmer of hope for Coastguards

People drown in all sorts of ways, most of the time alone and tired. These are those we try to save, by talking, 
by listening, we try to stop people drowning as best we can and it's so hard.

Sometimes I think I am being filled up with all the bad in the world and worry what will happen to me when there's no room left. Will I look out to sea then and if I do will someone be there for me or will I be too familiar 
with their words for them to have an affect?

But for now I listen as hard as I can, listen until I can hear the beat of a heart, the faintest glimmer of hope and do my best to keep it alive.

May 18 Families deserting trust's island

I'm digging now, like a termite.
Amongst the last to leave, the least trusted perhaps, everything I had has been been left behind, when we reach the mainland we are told we will be reborn. Give me the bravery to remember and the grace to forgive.

Will I break through like a maggot or a butterfly ?

What sounds will I make this time ?
I try to ask but very quietly so the guards patrolling above don't hear.

May 17 Live exports to begin at Ramsgate

He can't find any where to put his drink down, the table, thick with papers and folders, three mobile phones and two laptops.  The walls are similarly covered, she pulls a face and takes the mug and puts it on the floor, moving a bag to make room.
"We need to concentrate, you need to listen. This is it, proof, confirmation of, if not a complete conspiracy then at least coordinated programs to ethnically cleanse " she holds her hand out to stop him interrupting, " ethnically cleanse a whole subsection of society, "
She opens her arms out wide indicating everything in the room.
" We can't stand by can we ? ".
She needs him, no doubt about that, he points at the print out behind her,
" That advert for Kent, the one saying Breathe fresh, Feel Better ?"
She is gathering things in her arms now, though its hard to see the logic in her selections,
"Obvious isn't it, I'm amazed they've got a way with it for so long"
"And these figures, the ones for relocations by medical background, this spike amongst asthmatics, you're sure of this ?"
"Of course, why are we wasting time, are you ready ? "
" And we're going today ? "
She pats her breast pocket, " I've got the tickets here "

Meanwhile many miles away in a building with no postcode nurses are being hynotised and business leaders are making the necessary sacrifices to kick start the economy.

May 16 Mining 'causes islands to sink

Once more the fires are lit and the singing begins, the communion filling the valley. Today is another day saved but the land is disappearing at an alarming rate, oil and blood mixed together and siphoned out, leaving the husk of a community. Less than thirty families remain now but  not for much longer.

Take a look at your watch and remember how the earth feels.

May 15 My slump is over, declares Murray

The stench almost obliterated Mayor Murray's words of reassurance.
"Thank you for standing by me in these dark days " Murray raises his hands aloft, presidential style to indicate Victory, unwittingly knocking out a pair of supporters whose bodies are quickly carried off by his staff.
" The finest medical minds have examined me and concluded that the odour I am emanating is no longer pungent but is in fact, fragrant and is due to an over active benevolent gland "
The crowd aren't sure they're being told the whole truth but applaud anyway, at least it's progress.
" In the coming days I will distribute a pamphlet explaining all but for now..." he chops the air karate style and music blasts out from the giant speakers, " let's dance".

May 14 Baby's birthday after op in womb

Roy stared at the monitor and waved at his son. Though Roy junior had been unable to be born he was developing quite nicely, obviously a little cramped but the doctors had assured them that he would rapdily catch up as soon as he was born - ' he's like a goldish in a bowl at the moment and you know how big fish get in the ocean '.
Linz squeezed Roys hand and asked how Roy junior was, she couldn't see the screen from where she lay and the operations to give Roy junior room to grow severely limited her movement.
" He's fine love, he's playing with that YoYo we gave him, just think in a month or two he'll be out "
" I don't know how I'll do without him " his wife looked away and the pressure on his hand loosend for a moment before returning double strength.
" But we'll have such fun together won't we Roy, me you and Roy junior "
" Yes my love, of course we will "
The consultant nodded and patted the pair of them like they were his own little children.
" Shall we blow out the candle now ?"

May 13 Bamber to be shown police photos

Right then - time to choose, take a look through into the dark mirror - buckle up and listen to body responses, your neurons and atoms colliding, dividing. Each scene more graphic than the last, each crime more unforgettable, each body less recognisable.
Choose three for your picture round Bamber and I'd advise you to do so quickly as they get worse.

May 12 Dog suffering sentences welcomed

Tino the terrier gave John a reproachful look, the book signings and personal appearances were beginning to take their toll on both of them. Since learning Greek and publishing his autobiography 'The Tail that Reads Itself' Tino's simple life had become a public spectacle. He'd give anything to be running in a field or chewing an old peice of twig rather than sitting behind this desk, looking past the red cordon, the line of fans seemed to stretch for miles.

"And if you think we're going to Korea ..." he didn't need to say anymore: John turned his head to the floor knowing he'd done wrong.

May 11 Rare theft from Forbidden City

Mango McMurray grinned and passed round his first trophy. He'd been so sly, like a ninja in a blazer, a little diversion and then Wham ! In like flynn. There were six of them, all quiet now, passing the pastel coloured handful round, holding it up to their noses, dramatically breathing in the smell of girl.

That no one mentioned they'd all started with the scented erasers was to the groups credit, that they had a secret club dedicated to stealing things from girls was not.

May 10 Japan 'to review energy policy'

Koji Takeru stands up and adjusts his tie before addressing the House of Representatives, the lower and more powerful house of the National Diet of Japan. This is the moment of truth, his second ever speech but one that will go down in history.

" Fellow members, as junior minister for energy I have been entrusted with identifying alternative power sources to see Japan into the next millennium, a quest that has taken me to every corner of our blessed archipelago and I am pleased, no, excited, honoured even to say I have unearthed something that will truly change our plans. What I am about to show you is, I believe, what the westerners call a game changer "

The lights go down and a blurry video begins playing on the large screen.

" What you are seeing is the inside of a cave system deep within the sea walls of Shikoku, the entrance of which was opened up by the recent earthquake, this cave system is new to mankind but look, on the wall there, a switch - I am about to press it but first look carefully at the phone I am holding "

A gasp go rounds the chamber, the screen zooms in to show a close up of a hand holding a mobile phone, the time is 11.24 on Friday 17th June. 

" ladies and gentlemen we all knows what happens next "

May 9 Tweets break super injunction

There are always stranger things if you look hard enough, stare into the sun and you'll see galaxies forming, look here, now, what do you see?

Lightning flash panther stealth mode attack, from the left, two three. She turns and boxes open up one on top of another, a sharks head : a hammerhead the boy responds opening up the satchel of doom.

Still smiling from under her fringe she unleashes pure carnage, everything happens at once : flying creatures weave in and out of the smoke, beaks open like mousetraps and waves of pure sonic energy blast open the boys reinforced hyper defences. The super injunction ruptures, his remaining troops exposed, the fold is opening.

Measure him up and fetch the boxman the resurgent army of ants chant, smiling up to the girl.

This is all happening now, it’s just in tiny tiny world, somewhere inside a jar left forgotten.

May 8 Talks over new assembly alliance

Donal Charles hated his new school and was determined to get out of it as soon as he could : Mimi Saunders held his gaze as he looked her up and down with distaste during Year 9 assembly.
Although other teachers were watching and quietly discussing the obvious friction between the pair they were lost in the moment, neither realising the pact they were making could only end in trouble.

May 7 Clean-up after pollution incident

I struggled to keep a straight face as Stuart let Miranda know exactly how much he'd drank that night. That's a question I doubt she'll ask again in a hurry.

May 6 Jim Wells in election poster fall

Disillusioned with mainstream politics Jim Wells finds himself on top of the largest bill board in central London. He tries to make out the poster, is a potato faced Prime Minister patting a spaniel ? It's hard to tell from this angle, why did he climb up here in the first place, he can't remember now. If he could just lean a little more that'd be a result.

May 5 Donagh brother faces new charges

Connor's coffin was lowered into the grave, old fashioned for a young man he'd planned his funeral in advance, hated the idea of being cremated and wished to be buried next to their sister. Cain kept his composure, if he cried now he wouldn't stop, opposite him their parents, his parents, he couldn't look. A tug on his hand, Jasmine, his brothers youngest nodded towards her sister, she'd left the graveside and was stood on her own in front of the car.

" let's go home ".

May 4 China tightens internet controls

"Measure me again"

The physician lowered the level to the top of Zhang Li's head and shook his head,

"You are still 5 foot 8 Mr Li, not 5 foot 9, I'm sorry"

Since the days of the Song Dynasty over a thousand years ago the Chinese have understood what you believe can become true and whilst this provided years of spiritual culture and a fondness for ghost stories once the internet with its myriad truths swamped the nations conciousness strange things started to occur. 

" They say the government will sort things out tomorrow Mr Li, and we will finally be rid of the Yeti too "

" I hear that too Dr Zhu but can you cork the genie that easy ?"

There are many Chinese who hope the authorities fail to censor this new found playground, Dr Zhu is one of them but too polite to say so.

May 3 Parties making up for lost time

William placed the note on the wall before ceremoniously reading it aloud :

August 17th 1989. Tom and Cate held a dinner party that was mainly toast, Ed came back from holiday early and was furious.

The other members of the knitting circle applauded then Straight back Jim passed the wine round, slopping it from glass to glass whilst continuing to eulogise over their lost years.

They'd all done so many drugs back then, anything they could get their hands on and whole swathes of time were missing, Kev compared their memories of that time to an old jumper that had been washed at too high a temperature and now there were more holes than wool.

And that gave them their name, the knitting circle and they met every month and shared stories, major events for one often forgotten or remembered differently by the rest, but they kept at it and each time a fact was agreed and solidly painted it was written down and placed on the wall.

May 2 Wild fires threaten regeneration

Look at the state of that, you're not seriously going out with her tonight are you?
Charlotte thought it but said nothing, her brother was old enough to know his own mind and this was his house, not hers.
" See you later sis"
The operation had been a success and he was determined to make the most of his days, just don't over do it, that was what they'd said to him, just try not to over exert yourself.

May 1 Manning 'moved out of isolation'

" It's time Manning"

He said nothing but looked down at the picture of Princess Anne astride the red BSA B 44 Shooting Star, she wore no helmet and was caught at the precise moment zipping her leathers that kept her modesty intact yet hinted at her womanly treasures.

" I'll be here when you get back"

Manning straightened up, buttoned his shirt and left the house for the first time in 5 days, the circus would have left by now along with the travelling tattooist, they had a fighting chance of keeping his secret under wraps.