August 31 Darling rift with 'brutal' Brown

The battle was born like many others not from aggression but love.
"Offer me not your eyes but entrust me your lips, if it so that I may die tonight then let me die a respected confidante and your love "
All sound stopped as the two men faced each other, I caught sight of a plump young woman diving behind the photocopier, knocking the waste paper bin over with her ankles. The Giant Scot spun round and flailed wildly, arms like hams, fists like haggis. The first punch connected and carried through, taking with it teeth and fibre, ramming up against the soft tissue of the cheek. Whilst globs of blood hung in the air Alistair began struggle to his feet. It was like watching an upturned angle poise lamp creak back into shape.
Junior ministers arrived and clapped, some threw paper which was promptly sucked into the thug vortex and spat out at high speed, the edges clearly frozen, breaking off as the cool air hit them.
"A good day to bury bad memo's "someone called above the din.
It was still only my third day and I had never I felt so alive, one day this would be my fight.

August 30 S Korea replaces top man on North

"The fall of your country will not occur in one momentous event but rather through a series of small incremental stages. If you can read the signs then you will survive the change. As is written in many holy books, the apocalypse will be heralded by four riders, in the case of North Korea these will be Primark, Currys Digital, Top Shop and Footlocker. Once these appear you will know the end is nigh for each will rip a chasm in your society through which the future, in your case, the superior South will burst through. These angels, these visitors from the south, will float amongst you in golden boots and usher in the new Utopia. Watch the skies and be ready."

Chong-Pil finishes reading, rolls up the paper and replaces it in silken recess within the silver egg.  Already a week has passed since it fell upon his head but as a simple farmer he feels ill equipped to deal with such knowledge. Tomorrow night, when his uncle arrives, he will bring him the egg and he will know what to do.

August 29 Bog snorkeller's new world record

Luca eventually surfaced in Ulvila, Finland after travelling for fourteen nights. Toivo Miettinen looked down transfixed as the young german removed his snorkel and crawled out the bowl.
After Luca had showered the two shared a plate of smoked Zander and a couple of beers. He explained his world record attempt.
" When will the people arrive" Toivo asked, " To confirm your achievement "
Luca ignored the question and continued to wolf down the food, indicating with his hand for a second beer.
" You did inform them you were attempting the record didn't you, are you being tracked, how will they verify your feat ? "
These questions went unanswered, Luca stood and bowed and thanked his host.
" Shall I take your photo for when the people come, to show them you were here ? " Toivo asked as he placed the plates in the sink.
" OK, that would be good "
Luca left shortly afterwards, Toivo still has the picture, it sits on his desk, the young german holding his snorkel aloft, in what some  interpret as a Hitler type salute but Toivo knows better. No one has come yet but he keeps the photograph just in case.

August 28 French Socialist rivals face off

The first French socialist gave the only chair in the room to the other man, preferring to stand. This second man, another French socialist took his purse and handed over half the notes to the first man, nodded, produced a bottle of brown liquor, took a slug and offered it to the first. He looked at the notes and the chair and then drank the remainder of the bottle, after a minute studying his seated acquaintance the first man removed his Italian shoes and swapped them for the tatty pair of espadrillos his opponent had kicked off. This surprised the other man but he shrugged his shoulders and held his legs out straight in front of him to appraise his new footwear. The first man waited. And waited. And waited. Eventually the seated man rose to his feet, shook his trousers a little as if to facilitate a gas escape and left the room.

The first French socialist was alone, in crappy shoes in a room that smelt of burnt puppies. This is the lesson we must never forget.

August 27 Suspect emerges in Fletcher case

The man that knocked on my door looked ashen.

" sorry to bother you but did you know..." he seemed unsure how to finish his sentence instead stepped back to invite me to see for myself.

" I wasn't sure if  you knew ? "

I shook my head, worried now, half remembering something but just out of reach. The bodies covered my garden three of them were beaten too badly to identify but the fourth was clearly my Uncle Fletcher. His lazy eye no longer the most striking feature of his appearance.

" It's just that you know, we don't set sail till next week, its a bit early for all this " he picked up a foot to emphasise his point, " I saw Egil in town with Fletchers coat on, he looked like he'd been turned inside out and washed with brine "

I fetched my axe from the fire place where I'd been chopping wood last night and strode out into the street.

" which coat ? "

August 26 Six hurt in food outlet car crash

Nannan's window sill was always cluttered so my view of the disaster was partly obscured. I do remember watching the girls face sink into the river of mince before disappearing behind a yellow Alsatian but after that Nannan pulled the curtains and gave me cornflakes on a plate. I never saw the other five cousins again.

August 25 Blow for European origins theory

The body was bloated up and looked 3 times heavier than before he'd entered the tank. Chad took measurements whilst Arno photographed the scene. He was a real little artist, crouching on one knee, lining up the curves of the body with the rust on the back wall.

" shall we pack him up now ? "

Arno squinted, eager to show his work but correctly judging now was not the time. Chad nodded and pocketed the tape measure. He felt old and tired, proving his theory seemed further way than ever.

August 24 S Lanka to probe 'grease devils'

As the official portrait of the Prime Minister released to the news agencies showed him wrestling a shaved baboon instead of the glamorous 6'2 blonde who usually accompanied him, the authorities knew the grease devils that wheeled the oils of civic society had fouled up again. Whether on purpose or another attempt to demonstrate how important they are it wasn't immediately clear but Dravid didn't care much either way. If they didn't answer the phone within three rings he was going to go nuclear on them in a way no amount of lubrication would help.

August 23 Polar bear man home from hospital

Charles and I were never close even before he had the surgery. Now just seeing him out back, tearing up the maple trees makes me less likely than ever to ask for my 4 way extension cable back.

August 22 Fire near paper mill investigated

Neither Daniel Rock nor Dougie Scissors had an alibi the night fire gutted the Paper Mill but the police knew instinctively neither were involved. It was no secret there was bad blood between the three of them but this was something else entirely. The following night, as the quarry was flooded it became clear, a whole new crew were looking to muscle in on the towns prosperity.

August 21 US military invents 'bigger bang'

As I take my shower I find myself noticing parts of my body I haven't seen for a while. The dint in my right knee, the gap between my fourth and little toe on my left foot, was it always that wide ? a collection of freckles a inch or two above my appendix scar.

I turn my face towards the spray and rinse the shampoo away, my left hand frees itself and finds the gills in the side of my neck. The damned stuffs in my eyes now.

Outside its quiet, even above the sound of the water you can sense a damping in the air, like the whole base has been covered in muslin and set aside like dough to rise.

I'm hot again before I finish toweling myself down. In the kitchen I fix myself a water and look out into the desert, if I ran straight out I reckon you'd be able to watch me for a full day before I finally disappeared.

August 20 Shark warnings 'may not be enough'

I dreamt I was Tracey Chapmans cat and we were discussing ways to cut down on the shark related fatalities our community suffered each spring time. My voice sounded French but French like Inspector Clouseau. I favoured lowering signs to the entrance of the harbour saying SHARKS : NO BITING. Each sentence I correctly spoke was rewarded with a chunk of tuna, I think the discussion was little more than language practice. Tracey felt the plan was flawed as we had no way of knowing where the sharks came from and therefore what language they spoke. When I woke up I thought to myself if I really could speak I wouldn't be wasting my time being Tracey Chapmans cat.

But then she bought out the tuna and I forgot all about the dream (till next time ).

August 19 Convoy anniversary to be marked

Daz raised a glass, the single remaining champagne flute.

" To the bugs that are going to lay their eggs in Woodheads eye sockets ".

We all cheered and chinked our hodge podge glasses, cups and mugs. Mine had a picture of Animal from the muppets banging Hell out of his drums. All the colours were faded now. Daz offered me a cigar knowing I'd decline before nodding to Joy and disappearing out back. Banda hadn't made it this year, the new girl he'd hooked up with didn't seem to like us much.

I looked round the apartment and realised it had been a full year since I'd last visited. There were less and less of Woodheads things now, I guess they'd broke or been junked.

" I saw him last month you know, Woodhead, " Joy spoke to the air in a measured show of indifference.

" He tried to buy me a coffee, he's got kids now, 2 girls, he said he was pleased to see me. Asked about you guys ".

" How was he ? " Kat enquired as Daz came back into the room.

" Think he's forgotten all about it all, he was real pleased to see me. "

That would have been the moment to remind everyone of how he'd been back then, why we'd all ended up ferrying Joy and every belonging we could carry half way across town. No one did but we knew it didn't matter now.

My wine had gone warm so I made my excuses and said goodbye to everyone.

August 18 Leak operation in critical phase

The first thing you see is me, half dressed holding her at arms length trying not to look into her eyes. Things have spiralled out of control ever since Vincenzo with the leg visited Uncle Tony to get his nasal discharge dealt with rather than risk the local hospital. Tony, (real name Justin) managed somehow to open a gate to Hell or Hades or some such place as he perforated the septum and now he's working against the clock to stop all kinds of pestilence spewing forth into our world.

"She's frothing Justin, I'm gonna have to send her on her way soon if you don't sort out this mess !"

Her eyes are dilated now and she smells of sugared mice.

" Times running out "

You leave us at this moment, frozen forever, grandma Sutto halfway between this world and the next, this isn't your story yet but you'll be here again, or somewhere similar.

August 17 Poaching threatens Swedish wolves

You know those times in your life when you can sit down, crack open a cold one and think, you know what, I've done alright for myself. This accurately conveyed my state of mind as I sat in the Coopers Arms in Malmo. Opposite me, Anders grinned and even through the blood smears I knew he was thinking the same. You probably can't  imagine him grinning, he looked different back then, he had a smile to charm librarians into bed, one you couldn't fail to return. But I'm getting sidetracked again, sorry. Angela, that nights rescued girl sat opposite and ate her ice cream with her fingers, she'd just finished cross examining our motives and decided for now, we were two of the lesser evils the world has thrown at her. Angela finished her food and lifted her head to face me. She had one eye bigger than the other which kind of made everything she said appear to be a question.

" What do I do now then ?" That was a question, clearly.

I'd had this conversation many times before and you may laugh but most people are pleased to be helped.

" You decide who you want to be, its a new book you've got, you're free "

Anders meanwhile was looking out the window, already thinking about the next job, he doesn't do after care.

" Ah, the streets are littered with people like you, those who know right from wrong, those without doubt ", she isn't like most people, that much we agree on, she pulled something from her bag, I imagined it was a police badge, I hoped it was a police badge, ironic hey ?

I can see Anders turn and a flash and that's all I remember, I've told you before.

" And the floating she-wolf Mr Johnston, the jar of fingers and the de-capitatated mime artist, you've left them out of your story, again "

" there are times when you just sit down, crack open a cold one, " I begin.

August 16 Second leak found in North Sea

Andy always gets me into trouble and annoying has a knack of emerging good natured and easily led whilst I am invariably cast as Fagins evil uncle. Even when he was naked and tried to open up Marks and Spencers by driving a lawnmower through their window I was blamed for lending him my stetson, that's the way it is, really I need to keep out of his way. There's a lot of mileage between what's we should and what we do do though so it is no surprise I am paddling a stolen fishing boat from Filey Pier.

" Do you want some of this ? " Andy stands like he is trying to stop diarrhea escaping his trouser leg in what I recognise as his Bruce Lee impression. The threat is directed towards the sammarcos, a type of swimming sasquatch Andy has become fixated on. It had been on the news recently about a second leak, water coming out a statue of Ronald Macdonald in Hull, pouring from his eyes has been tested and confirmed to be from the North Sea.  The North Sea for any of you that haven't sailed into it late at night in a stolen fishing boat is both very dark and very cold, not the place you need to go ever.

The sammarco, Andy exolains, is a type of under water termite that burrows itself into the river or sea bed and once its numbers reach a critical mass its only a matter of time until the water runs dry. If Andy is right we have only tonight to save the North Sea, if he is wrong, well, I guess I'll end up in prison again.

" You won't be so hungry when I drop this on ya " I can't look up, just pray to God he is still clothed.

August 15 Youths rescued from stolen boat

Imagine the sound you'd make if you found a goat in your bathtub in a fancy hotel. Then imagine the goat has got your dads name tattooed on its hind quarters and is smoking a cigar whilst cursing in Spanish. That's the sound I made when it came over the radio the boys were safe. Another victory for the forces of good against the hell spawned army of destruction, a day of real note. Things have been out of whack for weeks now  and if Emilio believed it necessary to take the boat and deliver the message by moonlight that was good enough for the rest of us. 

The new overlords have no need for disguises any more so at least we know now what we're fighting. I've got to go now, molotovs to mix, see you after the reckoning brother.

August 14 Dundrod bike crash rider stable

The Japanese girl had the right idea when she'd chased him down, ironic he was riding a Yahama perhaps. The joke wasn't funny anymore but he'd live, as the gypsies were taking care of him and when he was fit enough they'd get him back.

I feel bad I got him into this but what the hell, that Japanese girls kind of hot.

August 13 Rare moth sighted after 35 years

When you get to my age it's rare to get out on your own but today is a special day. I'm on my way back from another funeral and Daniel, my son has agreed to let me have a few moments on my own here. We parked at the top and I've walked down to the old playground. The upright supports of the slide look too slender to my adult eyes, built sometime in the seventies when playgrounds were all metal and everyday ended with a graze. The painted layers come off in my fingers, red, blue, yellow and underneath, the dull grey of what I assume is steel, scratched but still standing.

Back then, from the top of the slide you could see right into the old peoples home; the scary sight of our future selves, silent and still in high backed chairs facing a television on a stand. It's hard to reconcile the two ends of our lives, its as if we are different species. 

The swings are gone now and only the central column of the roundabout remains, still standing long after it last served any useful purpose. I've come to find the note we wrote to our selves when we were teenagers. Brendan suggested we leave a marker for the future, to remind us of how it felt to be young, so we wouldn't end our days falling asleep in front of the telly.

I knew the message had long gone as soon as we pulled up outside the park, the whole top section of the slide had been removed, presumably the wood had become unsafe sometime. I can't remember what we wrote, I guess I hoped it would bring me back to who I once was. The camera I've borrowed from Daniel is in my pocket, along with instructions how to use it, I'll take it out now and take a few photos anyway. There's a moth there, it looks sleepy in the day time, this is probably the first moth I've seen in years. Sometimes we need to be reminded of who we are, I guess we chose to go to sleep or wake up. I say my goodbyes to the past and pocket the camera, as I walk back I stand a little straighter, walk a little faster, 

August 12 Missing man found after nine days

I can't remember every word but it went something like this :

Thank you for meeting me, I know this must be traumatic for you, I can't tell you everything but I'll share what I can, you need to concentrate. Imagine you've a secret, one so big no one would believe you, even if you wanted to share it, unburden your self it would be no use. Now, with that in mind, consider how you would act if the only other person who knows the secret has just been killed. Not just killed, imagine if you have cleaved him in two with a sword but, and this bit is important, it was the right thing, the only thing you could have done. I know this is beyond you now, but trust me, this murder has saved lives, saved many more innocent lives than it took.
I'll be gone again soon, I just wanted to tell you this before I went.
Take this, it will explain more than I have, sorry for being so mysterious but you'll understand why soon enough.

And he handed me a bag and then got onto the train. As the engine started and the carriage began to pull out he appeared at the window, he seemed agitated and began to wave another bag at the window. I think he'd given me the wrong one. I opened the one I had and found it contained a sandwich and a bottle of water. Soon he was running towards the door, I kept losing sight of him as the train was packed with people looking for seats. We both ran but soon I had no platform left and the train by now was a blur. I don't know if he'll try to contact me again.

August 11 Bristol streets return to normal

It's morning. Need more milk. Outside, quiet, good. Watch my step, nothing till the shop. Buy milk, leave. Back home, have breakfast and coffee and fall asleep on the sofa for half an hour.
I wake thinking of Claire, wanting her home safe but sleep soon gets the better of me and I drift off again. Some time later I'm woke again by the sound of the milk man at the door. I consider explaining to him I've already bought the milk for today and then wonder why I didn't leave a note. He's gone by then I assume so I make another coffee and open the curtains.
There's a young woman over the way in a short dress and smudged make up waiting for a bus.
It's still early and I'm starting to come round and think straighter, I watch the dust particles dance in the rays of sunshine that come through the window. So much life all around us. Claire will be home from work in an hour, I'll buy us croissants and orange juice.
Outside the wolves lie where they were slain, the world is so much better in the daylight. Their bodies will be taken away soon, that's not Claire's job though, she's done enough for one night.

August 10 'Super' mice resist most poisons

It was my day to hand out the milk, puncture the cartons and pass them round the class. When you're seven years old little things like that are about as exciting as a day gets. I wasn't tall or strong or particularly athletic, my intellect was unrecognised but given a job I grew a few inches taller and became more confident.

There were 28 in our class and so I counted out twenty eight cartons from the crate and began at the front, carrying four at a time, thanking people as I did. I was a little confused over manners and often thanked people when unsure of the correct etiquette. 

" What's this ? " Leo 'Scramble' Gamble screwed his face up as I placed the carton on his desk.

" It'll make you strong " the words came without thought, something I thought a grown up would say.

As he stood up ready to demonstrate how strong he already was, Waite with the knack that of appearing just when you needed him to appeared behind us both. 

" Thank you Paul, Leo, would you like to help him hand the rest out ? "

Scramble was a thug but not yet ready to challenge authority so he smiled and said sure, and helped himself to half my cartons.

" I was saying milk makes you strong, is that right sir ? "

" Just hand them out Paul "

I nodded and continued on my polite round, I was used to indifference, it didn't matter. I knew one day I would grind their bones under my Monster Truck wheels.

August 9 England expect Test to go ahead

The pool is entirely still, no ripples nor under currents disturb the glass like surface, the woman has been down there now for almost two minutes, in another she will be allowed to swim to the top. She is looking at her watch, we can all see that.

I am planning to follow the old train line and see if I can get out, I look at my neighbours and try to spot others who think like I do. It's been reported that they are planning to extend the testing soon, time is starting to run out for people like me.

August 8 Wilson to hold emergency meeting

I've never been able to hold my tongue, even when I know it's going to get me into further trouble, as if that were possible in this instance.

" I do remember thinking board meetings would be more fun if they happened on a trampoline but honestly have no recollection of sending that email "

Howard ignored my small talk and pressed the button to close the lift door.

" I assume that'll be on the agenda at todays emergency meeting. "

"Along with your illustration."

I had to smile at this, " Yes, along with my illustration".

August 7 Firm recruits 1,000 steel workers

Happy Birthday Carl, come over here I want to tell you a story. I promised your grandfather when you got to be 16 I'd tell you this so here I go. Back in 1969 a company called Roys Universal Bicycle Company of Grapplewood shocked the world when they announced they were to get rid of their workforce and replace the whole lot with robots, yep, you heard me boy, robots ! You won't have heard of this before and there's many a reason why not, but I tell you it's all true. Now back in those days this was even more remarkable than it would be if it were to happen today. Word soon spread and coach parties began arriving from the city three times a day, each filled with people desperate to see the robot work force. Sales went through the roof, television and radio stations couldn't get enough the story. And local businesses began to get in on the act too, with all kinds of merchandising and themed holidays, in a time when many of the smaller towns were dying here was a genuine success story and a world first to boot. They were the biggest story of the year but now they have been wiped from the history books, if you look up Grapplewood in the record books now you won't find any mention of it. I'm not sure how they covered it all up, they just did somehow. Now, what do you say to all that ?

August 6 Inquest opens into cliffs death

The empty bottle of MD 20/20 and an abandoned pogo stick at the edge of Beachy Head seemed too obvious to Inspector Montague. He examined the stick, the rubber bottom of it appeared to be in pristine condition, without a scuff or a scrape, that together with fact that the helpful car park attendant who'd discovered the body looked mysteriously like a fairly well known television actor was enough to raise doubts.

August 5 Biker dies in collision with van

It took Annie eighteen minutes to reach the hospital but she didn’t remember a single one. Upon arriving she’d been quickly taken to a small side room and given a hot drink. No one had thought to ask if she was thirsty but she was grateful for the small show of kindness however unnecessary. The man looked asleep. His hand felt too cold to be alive although the monitor and nurses told her otherwise. It wouldn’t be long though; there was no chance of recovery. For a little over an hour she held onto him so that he wouldn’t be alone.

Outside as the world began to wake up, indistinct traffic sounds growing louder, the gaps between the blinds brighter, the man stopped breathing. She held his hand for a few minutes longer and then folded it across his chest and pressed the button to summon the nurse. He was the first dead person she had seen and I had shocked her, how easily it happens. To slip from life into death seemed no more than stumbling on a kerb.

August 4 Yorkshire flooding clear-up under way

About a week after college finished I decided to visit Alison in Leeds, I called her up and we made arrangements for me to visit the following weekend. This was to be my first journey north of Peterborough, where my cousins lived and where I was dragged to every other Christmas. 

So a week later I found myself stepping down from an intercity train nervous but excited. 

A taxi pulled up outside the train station and wound its window down, I read out Alisons address and the man inside nodded and unlocked the back door. As we made our way through the city I watched the road signs become progressively more ominous, Sheepscar, Mean Wood, The North was all I'd been told it would be.

After half an hour and less money than I'd feared we arrived at Alisons house, she met me at the door and introduced me to her family, her mum, dad and younger brother, Rory. I shook hands with her parents and nodded towards the brother. 

" How d' you find us then Howard ? " Her father spoke clearly for a northerner and was easy to follow.

" Well, I came by train Mr Roberts, it's funny isn't it, I thought, you've got Leeds Railway Station and we've got St Pancras, Waterloo, Kings Cross, Three Bridges, Euston ..."

Her father held his hand up to stop me, I was talking too much but couldn't stop myself.

" and that's not even counting the tube stations or the overlands , Blackfriars, Greenwich, all the way out to the DLR.."

Rory moved towards me, apparently he was going to take my coat, his arms outstretched but at that moment I was worried he was going to hit me, I sounded like an idiot he could hardly be blamed. Taking a step back, rocking on my heels, still talking, slightly faster now,

" Balham, Purfleet, east Croydon.." I then rocked forwards, unbalancing myself, panicked and swung my fist full into Rorys face, connecting cleanly and with a crack that sounded like a bell being dropped down a well.

It was then I noticed Alison was crying and shortly after this her elder brother entered the room.

That, children is how me and Rory first met, night night.

August 3 Panel resumes treasure inspection

Oliver held aloft the pigtails, next to him Steven carried the diary whilst Dominic clasped his hands tightly together in front of him, like he'd caught a grasshopper or butterfly.
" What's that you got ? "
Dominic raises his finger to his lips and smiles.
" Ok, put them in the box and leave ", Isaac dismisses them,

I leave shortly after without staying to inspect the haul, I want their souls, or a finger or something big, something worth clasping tight, Dominic may be the youngest but as the only one not in full time employment, he could make more of an effort. My money's on more finger nails.

August 2 Loud music ban for tartan shops

In the summer of 2009 you couldn't open a paper in Glasgow without reading of the argument between Bernard 'Banjo' Bolland and Tommy West. Blowup Banjo and WST1, the two greatest Scottish musicologists, the poster boys of  B Boy science in the early eighties. They argued in public, on twitter, on the television, radio, web chats and phone in's. It'd started when West was named as a supporter of the campaign to ban loud music in shops that sell tartan and Banjo, when asked for a comment called the campaign retrogressive and parochial.

They traded insults and arguments for weeks, each larger and more ridiculous than the previous,West claimed tartan was organic and took on the form of the environment it was subjected to, so loud music would shorten and weaken the fibres, Banjo countered by saying if anything rock music would strengthen the fabric and if West really thought loud music was dangerous then maybe he shouldn't have spent the summer in NYC in 1979.

Eventually, as with all things, the public grew tired of the story, another came along and the campaign dissolved. Banjo released a series of mix cds to critical acclaim and West earned a healthy kick back from the the Scottish Tartan Commision.

The two men still drink together, their lino burnt foreheads replaced by liver spotted hands and the boogaloo of life keeps spinning.

August 1 Norris admits campaign 'trouble'

Sporting a black eye and an arrangement of plasters suspiciously shaped like a swastika on his forehead William Norris stood before the assembled media in the travel lodge coffee garden, today was the day he'd draw a line under the recent scandals and turn his campaign around. This time next month he will be president.