March 1 A first for Wales Air Ambulance
on Tuesday, 1 March 2011
From a distance it looked like two Godzilla sized drunken storks butting each other like deer, surely this couldn't be true? When we got closer we decided it was two helicopters playing a dangerous game of giant conkers with boulders but why would they do that? As we took out binoculars we could see in the whites of their eyes, the pilots unease, as if they too doubted the sense of their actions.
February 28 Powerful wave device for tests
The baby thought his mother emanated strange high pitched drones whenever she wasn't speaking due to her addiction to playing music at the highest possible level through tiny headphones that managed to broadcast her tastes so loudly every person who came within ten feet of her was drunk on passive melodies.
I thought she was rotten but I shouldn't have rescued her child and understand now that was a bad thing to do, I'll return the headphones as soon as I get out of here.
February 27 Children’s head promises action
The train stopped without warning jolting Wilf forwards into the lap of a flustered thirty something photographer who wondered for a second if she was being assaulted. As he began to apologise the train lurched to the right as passengers pressed their faces to the windows to get a better view. Wilf and the woman, Audrey, she introduced herself as they joined the audience, couldn't believe their eyes.
A shudder past through the carriage, a bolt of recognition and unease, suddenly all the passengers were as one, all united in their normality whilst outside, possibly miles away was something else, something that wasn't them. There seemingly perfect in every detail was the head of young boy, about 8 years old, brown hair, blue eyes, podgy cheeks and about 800 feet in diameter.
He only lasted a few seconds, long enough to promise some vague actions if we didn't change our ways and then he was gone, disappearing into the mountains like a heat haze.
What do you think we should do? Asked Wilf.
I think we should be more careful, replied Audrey.
February 26 ‘Dark-sky- bid’ for remote island
Robert Oppenheimer didn't invent the nuclear bomb, in fact it was a Hungarian Jew named Leo Szilard and his guilt over it's possible implications led him to a life of work dedicated to preventing a nuclear war. That history has damned Oppenheimer and saved Szilard is largely a matter of chance and the speed of communication. Marek Ortiz wishes he lives in less instant times, in the days of Slizard and Oppenheimer where he too could dodge the bullet and his invention of projecting onto clouds would not be called now, only two months down the line, the end of night. Already the islanders for the trial project are campaigning for not only the project to be stopped but also for him to be arrested for crimes against humanity.
February 25 Police release dead girls name
Barnaby pushed through the adults to make his way to the front, it was the third time this month everyone had gathered in the square and he was determined to get a decent view this time.
The older policeman, the one who had bought Barnaby home one time when he'd been lost was finishing speaking.
'...comes to us all but we may hope not in this way. Our community is blessed in many ways but we have a cancer amongst us that we cannot ignore. Louise Williamson was 17 years old, her life is forever frozen in time, no harm may come to her now'
The thinner policeman passed a balloon which had tied to it a small piece of paper. Barnaby watched it fly upwards, unsure at first bobbing this way and that before being caught on a thermal and disappearing from view. He'd known Louise and tried to picture her holding onto the balloon sailing away but couldn't, this wasn't a game anymore.
February 24 Discovery sets out on last voyage
Had her mother kept hidden her original birth certificate then Julianne Gold would never have boarded the plane to Montreal. Had her mother not trusted her ex partner quite so much, she would, as he returned from the registry office, have remarked upon his change of name, nationality and occupation, thus saving her daughter a long and fruitless journey.
February 23 King plans one man comedy tour
They hate me.
Yes your majesty.
I will write them a song.
No your majesty, they will think you foolish and liable to the whims of fashion.
I shall build them a church.
No your majesty they will think you are dying and this may give heart to those that wish to over throw you.
Very well, I shall decrease the tax I ask them to pay.
No your majesty then you will not have enough money to buy off your enemies.
Of course, wise council, Then I shall tour the land telling jokes and humorous anecdotes.
- Pause -
Then we will shoot them all.
Yes your majesty, then we will shoot them all.
February 22 Stewart's panic over laughing gas
As they set off to the grave the pressure of the coffin on his shoulder was nothing compared to the sudden realisation that again, Tom had swapped his nasal decongestant for nitrous oxide.
February 21 Bank refunds dead womans money
They had no option in the end but to return Lauren Rogers fortune. Although the court had awarded in their favour the bank had lost public opinion. Not only had this poor old woman died and then come back to life, forced to be the only verifiable ghost in the history of the planet, doomed to a life of dead celebrity, of endorsements no one had thought possible, feted by every faith leader and dined by every world leader but to have her money frozen and not make a penny from her resurrection was a blasphemy too far for the public to stomach.
February 20 Music of the stars now louder
I started to night walk about a week after my mother died, I'd wait until the house was quiet and dad had stopped crying and carefully creep down the stairs and out the back door, leaving it on the latch as I felt I was too young to be in charge of a key. As soon as I stepped out the air would wrap itself around me and I'd feel calm, a sense of timelessness. Sometimes I'd walk for hours, hiding in the shadows whenever I heard a noise or saw the lights of an oncoming car. We were lucky enough to live in the sleepy suburbs and it was remarkably easy to get around, no one would ask me how I was, there was space enough for me to work things out. At the end of the street there was a small village green which I'd outgrown a year or so ago in my waking state but at night it became my place, I'd sit on the bench and watch the sky, listening to the sounds all the souls were making on their final journeys into space, it made no sense to me that we went back to the earth.
After the funeral I stopped night walking, I knew everything I needed to know by then.
February 19 Reading test to include non words
Since the air cleared people began to socialise once more. Awkward at first, many had spent their whole lives in near isolation. Near animal communication, of their meaning began again, seeing those they'd shouted to, forgotten the subtleties of communication, the non verbal, the way a raised eyebrow can turn meaning on its head. A change was needed.
February 18 Peru potatoes head to ice vault
After the apocalypse during which vegetables had inexplicably replaced humanity as the dominant species a group of Peruvian potatoes begins the daily journey to the ice vault to pay their respects to the elders, those whose sliced and diced bodies had been reclaimed.
February 17 Sun eruptions set to reach earth
If we die tonight, no one left to read our bones, it will still have been worth it. If we die and there is no one waiting to meet us, I will not mind. It's all been worth it, every precious second.
February 16 Kate and William to visit Canada
She paid by card, 'I had to get out the house, my neighbours doing my head in; she's got a wasps nest'.
The man pressed some things without looking up and made a ticket appear out of his desk. Click.
'Kate and William get to visit Canada, and here I am watching a film I've seen before' she continued, 'it's another world isn't it?'
Without looking up the man pressed again, click.
'Here, take this ticket, it's for the seats at the back, they're the executive ones'.
Two tickets suddenly sat waiting to be picked up, the original and the upgrade, her fingers faltered over them, momentarily confused, 'sorry' she said picking up the second ticket and mopping her brow with it ' I don't normally talk so much, it must be the heat'.
He smiled and had he not said 'That's ok, those seats are much bigger anyway' it would have probably been a pleasant ending.
February 15 Second death in street in a week
Gordon cursed again as he stumbled over the exact same spot on the pavement that eluded his spider sense each and every time he was forced to make this journey, at least his winkle pickers didn't scuff. Today was a good day to meet a ghost. He checked the piece of paper once more before shoving it deep into his jeans, not noticing the first body poking out of the hedge.
February 14 Men and dogs spark search party
The dogs had returned first, wet and whimpering, the men had followed soon afterwards in a similar state. Louise slinks back against the wall, sinking the last of her bottle as the other four decide to join the hunt. She watches as everyone else becomes a worker ant, batteries are scavenged for a jumble sale of torches, phones checked for signals, plans agreed and timings synchronised. They clatter out, no one invites her but that's ok with Louise, she is no one's poodle.
There are no monsters under the bridge, dogs are man's best friend and the men can't be trusted. If you asked one how far he'd go for you he'd build a rocket. It must be nice on their planet; she thinks on her way to the fridge, a bone for every dog and bitch.
February 13 Donor influenced by guru centre
I sign my heart away with joy. That this untrustworthy organ is prized above all else is the real perversion of our time, this deceitful malignant sore in my chest has drowned out reason when I'd needed to listen. I am a good man but I am a weak man, now I can look forwards, ready to be free.
The man who found this note wasn't sure what to do with it; there was nothing else of note there, just a chalk drawing of Godzilla walking from the waves towards a tiny city. He folded the piece of paper up and made a tiny aeroplane from it, this he placed between the city and the monster, the last line of defence.
The man who wrote the note watched from behind the swings, not sure what to make of this development. He waited a while longer until the figure had left; his footsteps had obliterated the temple in the city he'd drawn. That is a relief, time to go home.
February 12 Fire engine hits fast food shop
He called in the feds, his clientele, more scared of stings than shanks are staying away. There's a stream of bumblebees coming from the letterbox outside, not yet swarming but clearly confused and dangerous resembling a conga line of Christmas party office workers at 2 o'clock in the morning.
Khalid watches in slow motion the fire engine turn the corner and plough straight into the bees. Everyone gets stung.
February 11 Jet crew had problems landing
When I came home in the first week of my university course I went to the pub, the moon, with all my mates. It was the Friday after the Friday before for them but for me it was like visiting another country. I'm not sure where mum was that night but I remember dad taking her place when I returned earlier than I'd planned, one of the few times I can remember him being there when I was a child.
February 10 Device is found at sorting office
When Clive came out the sorting office it was obvious something had gone wrong. There he was, a healthy happy 1300 lb Black Angus cow in a pen full of blue slate turkeys.
'Hold on', he said, raising a hoof to no one in particular, 'this isn't right, look at the size of me'.
His words were of little use however as the pen was quickly loaded onto the back of a van, miraculously large enough to take the uneven cargo.
Late that evening Farmer Gyroscope found a suspicious device near the automatic animal sorter whilst pig swiller Pete kept quiet and began planning the mother of all Christmases.
February 9 Torpedo pulled from shipping lane
No one knows what caused Daniel Morgan to behave so erratically on that day or where he is now. What we do know for sure is that on Tuesday afternoon at 3.40 pm he began to unravel. At first verbally; hurling abuse at anyone unlucky enough to catch his eye this was quickly replaced by physical anguish. Windmilling arms and eyeballs so mobile it gave the impression his head was being shaken by a giant fist at a casino, hoping for 7's or 11's.
The people surrounding him in these now famous few minutes had changed too, some had left out of respect or fear possibly; to be replaced by a different collection, ones that watched this kind of show, I was one of these. In the reports that were written later we were deemed a lower class of person, the kind that watches daytime television. Objectivity always requires a definition and people like me don't do crosswords.
After a few minutes a balloon floated loose from a childs hand and entered the circle of no mans land that had built up around the now silent Daniel Morgan. I held my breath and watched him turn towards it putting out an arm to grab the string, and then holding on tight as his feet began to rise from the ground.
'Don't look down' someone shouted as Daniel began to drift on the warm air currents.
February 8 Snoop devices seen in library pc’s
"That's what I've been telling ya, they have it all ways, every way they get you, nothing like a private world anymore, a private life. No, it's like everyone has to be the same, the right thing all the time, they want us to do this but they treat us like that, the lot of them they treat us like scum. Now, now they have the spies don't they, in the lollipop lady and the human resources lot, they can't let you just get on and be, just leave us alone, no, that's not what they want is it. Yesterday they even had me in the library, checking what I was looking at like I'm an al- Qaida or something."
It wasn't going well: the smiling woman looked downwards and wrote something on her notes and then the man in the suit leant forwards and said,
"Thank you, is there any questions you'd like to ask us?"
She stopped as surely as if he'd slapped her round the face. It was as if her real head had been turned to match the rest of her body on a children's toy.
" No, I'm sorry, I think you've already answered everything I needed to know"
February 7 Face of body in woods released
Tuesday:
She kissed me and no one was there to witness it and I couldn't tell anyone as they'd have laughed and called me a liar. She would never ever kiss me again. The thought of never being kissed was bad enough but the thought of never being kissed again is unbearable so I agreed to not speak of it once we left the woods. That was three long weeks ago and it's like we're back to where we were before: acquaintances, friends perhaps. I let her catch me staring but she doesn't react.
Friday:
It was on the news today, they identified him. I know it's unfair to blame him but that dead cyclist we found on the way out has blown my last chance of happiness.
February 6 Missing hunter search called off
The dust settled and Grandmaster Flash stepped out of the Vauxhall to call it off.
'Leave him be, he is a vicious man and such a man will not thank you for rescuing him'
The search party were sceptical but couldn't fail to be impressed by his jewellery and dope beats.
February 5 Device examined after town alert
The monolith appeared a day before the women fell asleep. Crowning the car park, punctuating the skyline it was ignored at first (surprising how unquestioning we can be) but after every female in the city failed to wake up on Wednesday morning attention soon shifted to the alien cuckoo device.
A government spokesman says the device is 'magnificent' but concedes they have no understanding of its purpose or link to the strange sleeping sickness.
February 4 Uk most anxious over immigrants
Since September incidents have been reported over the country with an alarming similarity. Each involves a group of friends who turn on one another for what appears to be trivial matters: sixty three people have been hospitalised, twelve marriages are over (eleven new romances have begun) and one woman has remained asleep, her body and brain functioning normally, for over two weeks. The press are rife with scare stories and the government has today dismissed claims that many of individuals had visited Germany in the previous month.
February 3 Liverpool rejects big society
The self styled spiritual leader takes to the stage and clears his throat to announce the coming of his stinking words. Since the boys' body had been found the existing equilibrium had been fractured, people fell on one side or another of the fault line.
'Everyone thought someone would do it, isn't that how it goes? How many communists does it take to change a lightbulb? How many serial monogamists does it take to bring about democracy? The Chinese got it wrong, life isn't about balance and harmony, life is a battle between you and the world and you'd best understand that before the fight is knocked out of you.'
A flower is thrown towards the stage, rebels in the audience begin to make themselves noticed and they start to kiss strangers.
'When people go missing the only people who look for them are those with a vested interest, strip away our personal investments and we're all mercenaries dressed as diplomats.'
Security, men with concrete faces, are called as the protestors rush forwards, their message of love, for now, unrequited.
February 2 Fire mother loved her children
The note was precise, almost prosaic – 'It is easy for me to go now, the chances are I am infected or will become infected and the likelihood is you may catch it if I return so I will go now whilst you are young enough to forget and move on. I do not want to be here when you've done that. I love you more than everything, more than my own life. If you come to me I will be there but do not come until you have to. Always with love, Mum. '
They had to wait till the fire burned out before retrieving the body, the rules by which we live are shifting daily. There is always talk of a cure, people believe in everything and nothing. Those that remain get on with life for as long as it lasts.
February 1 Spain agrees grand social pact
Today is the first day of touch, a social experiment designed to reconnect the Spanish people to one another. Emails and all personal computer access will be blocked after 4 o'clock this evening and restaurants and bars have been given financial incentives to program participatory events. The doctrine is simple – touch someone and touch the world - we are expected to be more tactile, to hug, to kiss and put our arms around strangers and dance in the cobbled squares at dusk. In short we are expected to be more Spanish.
The first televised event is due to start at 6 o'clock in St Michaels square in Madrid where the Moscow Folk Orchestra will perform a selection of European folk songs and traditional dances. Unfortunately this will be without the principal violinist who found out that that being touched by someone isn't always a pleasant experience and has decided to return home on an earlier flight.
January 31 Ambulance crash flu patient dies
We fall and think for a moment we've been forgotten, the world has moved on a millimetre whilst we have remained rooted down, slipping through the gaps between people's eyes and their words. It's so subtle, little by a sister's cruel word, the low slung boys' taunts. The crash of every door we've ever been through being slammed in. We gather ourselves and put on uniforms and drive faster, we're in the ambulance; we're on street crossing without looking. We drive on, unaware we've run the pedestrians over.
You and I, we're royalty now.
January 30 Australia unveils new flood tax
The decision by Prime Minister Shelly to flood the properties of individuals who failed to pay their tax on time had been at best, ill thought out. After the disastrous Humber Block incident the fire department refused to co-operate anymore prompting a state of emergency, the villagers began sharpening their pitchforks. Raising his voice to drown out the protestors outside Shelly tries to bring calm to the assembled few in the Castle.
'we need to stand tall, be firm and not be swayed by the ...' he stumbles as objects begin hitting the window, ' by those that wish us ill, the anarchists and socialists...'
His shambolic rhetoric is interrupted by a large rock smashing through the large 18th century window, pulling the curtain down, bodies scattering in all directions.
'run, save yourselves' he offers but no one is left to hear him.
January 29 Lagarde denies ‘chronic’ problem
A tiny wrinkled old man leapt from a tree, sparking a crash of plates and an array of gasps from the assembled garden party guests. He throws handful of blue and red tablets at the children before being tackled to the ground by a mouthy teenager wearing loose fitting sportswear. Lisa Mulhoon, the new press officer for the Legarde Clinic thinks about throwing her head against the desk and prepares another denial.
January 28 Apprentice star handed sentence
No one noticed in the interview, at least, no one said anything which pretty much amounts to the same thing. He palmed the scrap of paper, glanced at it and then it was gone up his sleeve via his outstretched index finger.
'the line up of beastie boys? Of course I know – Mike D, MCA and Ad-Rock,'
The young girl who'd passed him the note beamed a little brighter.
January 27 Parasites linked to cockle deaths
There's nothing left we haven't tried to shoot, eat, wear or tame, all the dogs have rabies and the cockles have drowned in so special brine. It's been coming a long time: the birds have begun to fall from the skies, the bees are disappearing, bountiful Mother Nature has called time on the wasteful parasites we call humanity.
But on a positive note I've got a red bicycle.
January 26 Warning follows stream pollution
Doctor William Hough, his face clearly happier today than in previous press briefings confirmed the cyclist who climbed out of the contaminated stream last week, still as yet unnamed, can now play the violin and cross his legs. More than one of the gathered press were seen to be wiping tears from their eyes as Hough went on to explain that the man had also recognised more than 30 common garden birds by their silhouette alone.
Now is not the time to be counting our chickens and the control orders will remain until all the victims have been successfully treated.
January 25 Body of Italian TV host stolen
My name is Domenico Sorrentino and I am worried I'm alone. He hasn't spoke for over two hours now although I think I can hear something sometimes, muffled, through muslin, a breath or a sob, it's hard to tell. That's what I'm telling myself anyway.
A fog came across the stage earlier in the day, the studio audience assumed it was part of the show but then the coughing began. It can't have been more than a minute before the air cleared but in that time daytime TV's Italo Sousa's body completely vanished leaving his voice alone, the laconic drawl becoming more anxious and piqued as the understandable panic began to take hold.
It's now been examined by people in white overalls and confirmed by people in expensive suits that Sousa isn't invisible in a sense that we would understand and therefore we assume his body to be stolen. That's what we do, we make sense of the stuff that can't be explained and then we wait until it is. It's my turn to sit and talk to him, keep him company whilst we wait for something to happen. The last thing I heard him say was he wanted to sleep.
January 24 Cave offered training after crash
The man stood under the shower until he could stand it no longer; his skin raw and red looked almost peeled.
He towelled himself down and tried not to think of the people who had died, their remnants nestled deep in the pores and tiny crevices of his skin. He'd been sent in by the bureau to evacuate and identify the bodies but the damp conditions and the time scale had drastically accelerated the decomposition process. Eventually they had scooped up most of the remains into bags, he'd been professional and distanced at the time but now...
The owners of the cave have been given a thousand pounds to retrain their staff to count people properly; it is a most peculiar world.
January 23 Irish greens mull leaving cabinet
The air was full of tiny spores, already the coriander and basil had wilted and tensions were getting to breaking point between the protected products in glass or cardboard and those left to tough it out naked. Flour bugs, the cause of the atmospheric poison, had burrowed down into the tiny recess between the panels, waiting for a new home or food source.
Items had been put away without thought, the unpacking entrusted to the daughter who filled spaces like a Tetris programmer, from the fridge to the cupboards and finally the old cabinet that served as a pantry for things which 'may come in useful in the future'. The largest of the greens, his edges becoming brown and crisp had a plan to escape but lacked the ability to communicate efficiently. He had no way of knowing that each of the greens had thought of exactly the same plan.
January 22 Forests privatisation opposed
The principality of Kronk is in a state of civil unrest after the recent announcement that all public land will be placed under the ownership of the Duke of Strata. This change in policy, unveiled live on television on Saturday night appears to be the final straw for the united rebel movements. The 7 o'clock broadcast showed the King himself, blindfolded, throw javelins at swans, each of which had been tagged with an emblem relating to a specific proposal for a change in law. That the unlucky swan may have died but did save all Kronk females from having to wear false moustaches during daylight hours has been cited by the prime minister as a reason to be thankful. This troubled kingdom, regarded by its neighbours as rotten to the core for many years, may finally have a new government by morning.
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