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April 9 Cleared pilot 'to return to job'

It was smaller than he remembered but still hollow inside; as a child he and friends used to sit inside it and plan adventures and tell stories, o nce they even watched Concorde fly over their heads.  Now, slightly drunk, he squeezed in and sat there, knees bunched up to his chin. Through leaves he had a good view of Juliet’s house. As the branches cradled him and the sky gradually darkened Paul tried to order his thoughts. The alcohol he feared would cloud his thinking instead appeared to illuminate his actions: he hadn’t come back for Juliet, or if he had he no longer needed her. Whilst this surprising thought took hold Paul began to feel nauseous, the cramped conditions not helping his now delicate stomach. To avoid being sick into his lap he threw himself sideways out of the bush and landed with a thud onto the gravel drive which held a large BMW. Painfully slowly he raised himself and began to walk home, gingerly at first but then as he felt an unexpected smile on his face, wi...

April 8 Blame game as US shutdown looms

NATO announced America would be shut down at the end of the year whilst a buyer is sought. The former largest superpower in the world misjudged the world market for being patronised and plundered and since the financial buy out by China and the redneck rebellion the constitution had been in tatters. Potential buyers include the former chief executive of Spud-U-Like Ernest Garrison and the forgotten armies of Sparta.

April 7 Man hit on the head with a pistol

Moe Fletcher used to be known as the guy that ran so fast through the door it spun him back the way he came. Things like this always seemed to make a habit of happening to Moe, no matter where he was, who he was with. Everyone knew Moe or wished they did. This good will toward him changed however after he was arrested for shooting a hole in the library window behind Miss Gracie Struthers, the bullet having entered and exited her left temple, Moe's explanation that an unnamed man had banged the pistol onto his head causing it to accidentally go off was received somewhat sceptically. When the policemen failed to find anyone else in the building and Gracie Struthers woke up and sold her side of the ten year tryst to the local press, a lifetime of slapstick suddenly looked all too choreographed.

April 6 Science City chief axes own job

I am the last scientist here. The lab is all we wished for; the equipment more than we require. We stand at the very edges of our knowledge, explorers moving forwards, identifying any weakness that will hold us back. I pick up the chalk and walk towards the wall. Figures, equations, numbers and symbols. Crossings out, more chalk. More chalk, more crossings out, more chalk. Stepping back I re-arm myself, hoping for a different truth. Masking tape, marker pens, emulsion, gaffa tape, spray can. I stop when there is no room for interpretation, looks like I'm no longer needed here, my errors are the only weak links left, time to hang up my goggles.

April 5 Greek sprinters lied, court told

The very nearly fallen thing had remained unspoken but not forgotten until the court appearance. Their universe expanding as each lie revealed, Takis and Kostas may well need to hand back their medals but it will be worth it.

April 4 Concern grows over building firm

A shady individual with a taste for cutting corners and a sideline in body disposal should not be put in charge of providing draft proofing for cavity walls. That was the allegation I made in my most recent anonymous letter, now I just have to wait.

April 3 Milk fears shut China's dairies

Xin Wei in court for his divorce proceedings was the first to blame milk for his unfaithfulness, the perverse logic of increasing his energy and libido past levels one woman could contain made the local press. Within a week Xin became a figure of fun across Jilin City. When a second man claimed that he too had been forced into the arms of another by excessive milk intake appeared, this was reported with great scepticism but after the regional television station ran the story and received over 4 thousand texts from other men and women in two hours questions began to be asked. All dairies in Northeast China were closed whilst samples were tested before the Authorities stated there was 'no foreign bodies' in the milk. With this assurance the dairies were reopened and demand has rocketed. Three months on milk sales are up by 36% and still rising. Xin Wei himself has denied any involvement in the Dairy business and is currently working his way thr...