October 31 Traders oppose parking meter plan

Alex stood back and admired his monotlithic parking meter. A monument to strutured waiting, a metaphor for life. Fifteen foot tall, it watched over the consumerist hub of the town.
As Alex returned to his car he failed to see the irony in the newly installed wheel clamp nor the juxtaposition of his solitary state and the baying mass of bruised odds and sods merchants looking to question his working practice.
This is verite, bring me my camcorder.

October 30 Deadly snowstorm on US East Coast

You've eaten by the time I get home, the clocks are going back and the radio is warning of a snowstorm. We are told to stay indoors, once we'd have called it ironic.

The fridge is full of things I don't recognise, we move around one another silently and I wonder what you're thinking. I bite down on ham and mustard in chunky white bread. Afterwards I join you in the lounge, as I sit down you hand me your glass of red wine and disappear to the kitchen to fetch another.

You can't trust the weather I think as you lean in to kiss me.

October 29 McGuinness 'under shadow of past'

My nephew Michael is seven today, he's opened his presents and been left with me to play marbles, his birthday present from an uncle we never see. I know he'd rather play with his Nintendo but he's been told to play with me first. I used to have the best collection of marbles in our primary school. The marble man used to appear every few weeks, he'd be on the other side of the fence and always had a handful of marbles for my sister and me. I must have been 10 ish which means Cath would have been 7. Our garden backed onto the Depot, an army base and if you went on the top of our shed it was possible to jump over to the fence, usually to retrieve a ball but sometimes just for the thrill of it. These were before soldiers carried guns as they patrolled the area. Mum and dad knew about the marble man and would smile as we shared our new marbles, steel ball bearings, tiger eyes, some pearlescent ones occasionally, deep blue. Never did we think he was anything other than a kindly old man.

This all comes back to me in a single flash, the whole memory downloaded as I hear the marbles collide.

I can't recollect the marble mans face but something feels wrong, I try not to judge my past by our current sensibilities. It's happening more and more, memories from my past intercepting my present. I have one where I'm running , running so fast I have to use my hands to keep up the speed. Michael looks at me and pulls a face, he tells me I'm doing it again.

"  You can go and play with your Nintendo now Michael, I think I'm remembered enough for today ".

October 28 Planner warned for airing views

We stared open mouthed at the creatures emerging form the Mayor's mouth. Carol nudged me in the ribs and whispered rather too loudly, " I told you this would happen if we cut corners "

I stifled a laugh as henchman Baz leaned forwards, his hand on the ceremonial machete. 

"And we will have a swimming pool here, here and here " Susan stepped in and ushered us away to the ante room, " and if you follow me ladies and gentlemen I will show you our plans for the water treatment plant".

I smiled meakly at Carol who replied with a neck slitting action, a slight at my earlier cowardice I assumed.

As we left I took one last look at the Mayor who raised his hand to say goodbye, his cheeks bulging.

October 27 Europe 'closer to solving crisis'

Today is March 13th 2023, I am in Frankfurt and I care.

After the Munich Treaty failed to get ratified, questions began to be asked. Few took notice then as the wave of apathy that had crippled Asia began to take took hold of mainland Europe.

No one understands how it happened, a kind of group hypnosis or paranoia perhaps, possibly air borne or a contaminated food chain. The speed of it's progress across the globe the real problem, in 20 days a third of the planet had succumbed to the apathetic virus. As soon as people realised what was happening it was too late, they didn't care, c'est la vie. 

As the contagion spread westwards and southwards the Americans and Africans put in place as many emergency procedures as they could but the outbreak was gathering speed and within the month the whole of the Earth had given up caring.

Obviously, when I say the whole of the Earth, I am lying, if I didn't care I wouldn't be recording this now. There are pockets of us, all over the world, a few in every major country, we've been saved for some reason and are working on a cure.
I think we're close now, but some of us are having doubts, do we have the moral right to wake up those 6.8 billion people, they look so content, lying there in the hammocks.

In fact, I'm not that bothered about moral dilemmas anymore, those hammocks look so comfy.
They look dead nice.

October 26 Murray defence begins arguments

I had to shout to make myself heard above the music.

"And I am saying Murray couldn't have borrowed your jacket because he was in Newark skinning my dog to make a djembe skin"

From the opposite side of the rink Janice floored her dodgem and headed straight for me, ignoring the signs telling drivers to drive in a clockwise direction only. I'd hit a nerve there and  I knew it, he'd never made any instruments when they'd been together.

" Bring it on Janice" 

October 25 Woman to be sentenced for murder

The shopkeeper refused to sell me the pair of trainers I wanted, Puma high tops torquoise and black, she said I was too old and would rather lose a sale than send me out looking like a clown.
I didn't take it very well, no I went back and I did something I now regret.

October 24 Chandlers criticise rescue effort

Emerging from the lift shaft Mr and Mrs Chandler appeared to have blacked up and resembled cartoon minstrels strolling in from dixie.
"That's typical isn't it", Mr Chandler scowls, "you only rescue us when we go black "
The gathered liberal firemen bow their heads in shame.

October 23 Independence drive 'starts today'

I watch until my Peugeot 307 becomes a dot on the horizon rubbing the side of my head where Louise first indicated her surprise at my news. As I walked I remember the unexpected swiftness of her fists, if she is at home when I get there I'm going to be very quiet. 

October 22 Illegal staff found in restaurant

Stay calm, I’m going to tell you a secret, a really big secret, bigger than tesco, bigger than Jupiter.
There are times when the weight of coincidence outgrows our understanding of the world. This causes changes fundamental changes to what is, what was and what will be. Most times the new reality is written over the old, leaving no trace of the original, much like when you hit save instead of save as and lose your previous document. Yet sometimes, fragments remain which become folk lore and legend or evolution or enlightenment, those moments of déjà-vu? ; the way we know when we are being watched even though our backs are turned? These are all remnants of realities consigned to the worlds recycle bin. And now, why I am here; there are people next door, workers, in your kitchen, who shouldn’t be here anymore, descendants of the first erect apes that never made it this far. You see creating our world is complex, far more complex than even I can understand and sometimes there are mistakes, elements that are being used at the time history became deleted. This is what I do, I find these things, these dead men walking and, well, make them not walk anymore.

I’ll leave in ten minutes by the back door and you won’t see me again. You will be freed by the police later and can decide to tell them what I’ve told you or not, but bear in mind, those people next door will never have worked here, so think carefully. Toodles.

October 21 Jobs vowed to 'destroy' Android

It was my second week of working in the mobile library and the first time I'd met Dan. As we wrestled to establish superiority I remembered Mr Jobs, my old English teacher waging war on those he viewed as less than human, androids in school uniforms. Basically anyone who didn't cry when the dog dies in Of Mice and Men.

The library is only ever full when it's raining.

October 20 Body discovered in Camlough Lake

We found a body at elevent nineteen this morning.

Lamai had never felt one of lifes winners and staring across at her sleeping oaf of a husband she thought, not for the first time of plunging a knife into his chest. Instead, she sat and ate a bowl of dried sunflower seeds, peppered with soft dates and turned each obscene, snore-cough into a word. By the time her bowl had been refilled with noodles and broth she'd ticked off hat, motor car, jealousy, leapfrog and satsuma.
In this way Lamai happily passed an hour before Arthur belched himself awake.
This is what happened before the drowning.
We are sure of these facts.

October 19 Police appeal over village murder

 I can confirm that the officer responsible for the sign asking for help with a murder incident in Loscombe Hall will never be asked to do so again. And yes, thank you, I am aware we are now investigating two murders.

Any other smart questions Columbo ?

October 18 Officials grilled on bad potatoes

I left her interview till the end, it's the way she sits that gets me, her body seems only moments away from melting.

" Excuse me, " I begin.

" Yes? "

" The bag, " I say, " are you going to tell me where it is ?"

She smiles and brings the tips of her fingers to her forehead, " Where I come from they say bad potatoes are all eyes but no heart. " 

This is my new office, it's very different to the one I came from, I used to work for Asda.

October 17 'End of the road' for travellers

Walking means we haven't given up. The weather is doing its best to claim back the land from the people, to put us in our boxes. We can only be out for an hour at a time now and we make less and less headway each day. We're ok for food, once we realised each home, each store provides more than enough tinned food, where once we were careful with our rations now we eat as we see fit, there's more than enough for our small group, if we lived for a thousand years I doubt we'd go hungry. We're the last of the eaters and no one's seen or heard another person since March. Soon though, it seems inevitable we will find our last place to stay, this world no longer wants us crawling on it.

October 16 Israel publishes prison swap list

Thank you for agreeing to see me at such short notice but then, with my connections this was the only sensible decision you could have made. I will not take up much of your time.
There are groups all over the world that require individuals with certain qualities. These organsiations come to people like me, to source their employees and I in turn come to people like you. I provide a service, for a fee.
I am offering you a way to empty your prisons, to save money and recieve goods and equity in return. All that is required from you is a list of the lowest of your incarcerated wretches, those without family or public interest, we take all sorts. From all sorts.
Now then gentlemen, let us not waste time.

October 15 Cordon is lifted at skeleton site

Cat darts between my legs as I walk upstairs, the door open. A phone number written on a tiny scrap of paper pushes all the air out of my body. Me and Cat, now the only ones left in the house.

October 14 New pylon design winner revealed

Somewhere in a parallel but skewed world Pontius Pilate, the CEO of a major Electrical Utility company is shaking the hand of Jesus Christ, a young and gifted engineer, whose winning Pylon design resembles a giant man, arms outstretched.
" Are you familiar with Anthony Gormley's work Mr Christ ? "
" No, but sometimes ideas just pop into my head and I don't know where they come from "
And in this world, he never finds out.

October 13 Fox 'back to normal working mode'

"We knew today would come", holding his paws in my hands I try to explain everything one last time to Mr Fox.

"We're different you and I and now you must return to your life, your real life"

I don't know how much he understands but as I remove the post office hat and unpin the badge from his fur I'm sure he shrinks back into himself. 

" Christmas, Mr Fox, come and see us at Christmas, we're always busy at Christmas"

I watch as he scratches himself all over before darting through the dog flap, my dreams going with him, holding on to the tips of his tail.

Look now, through the window as he winds his way back to the wood.

October 12 Barroso unveils crisis 'roadmap'

That was how it began, a ghetto blaster operated by a man with a face like blotting paper. Since the invasion it'd been like this, so many changes. Men fell from the sky, their faces painted, teachers disappeared overnight, walls gave way to secret passages.

The song tells the story of Barroso, he who brings presents wrapped in puzzles, they open outwards, too wide, their edges fall back on themselves and fold inside the holes left. It makes sense when she sings it, in her accent, the song's been number one for months now.

I'm standing on the beach looking for a game of chess. This is how it starts.

October 11 Cardy cause of death contradicted

As the new pathologist suggested tightness of his cardigan to have contributed to the young mans death, Harris once again, doubted his judgement. The man in question was still to be cut free from the mangled Vauxhall Corsa and, Harris couldn't help but notice, was whistling.

October 10 Second silver ship found by firm

A man who looks rather too like Oliver Hardy for my liking has become my boss. He is neither witty nor world weary but is actually, quite insufferable and is forever taking time off. Apparently, within the last three months he has unearthed the remains of a creature he calls the real 'Yeti', decrytped the hidden meanings behind a number of key Greek sculptures and only last week claimed to have found the tail fin of a second UFO.
Whilst he's off making all these discoveries, it's me that's having to man the desk at the lighting section of John Lewis. I hope someone recognises his gifts soon so I can get back to napping in the store room.

October 9 Fire destroys empty social club

The charred remants of the Hilltop Club gave a gothic silhouette to the photograph Avery had just taken. Few details were clear although he could clearly see the metal spiral staircase still standing, alone. Closing his eyes Avery saw the arsonist climbing up it, hands leaving petrol prints on the handrail, escaping into the sky. The logic of television: surely it was important, the only object left intact.

Whilst the investigator puzzled this, 27 miles away, on the coast, a young lighthouse keeper, filling in long hours studying a distance learning Sociology Diploma  puts the finishing touches to a simplistic account of the disintegration of working class social life, completely unaware of the dramatic events heading his way.

October 8 PM demands Fox answers by Monday

We sit and watch the recording of the last conversation our Prime Minister gave, the sound drops out occasionally and the lighting is by candle light.

And you are sure of what you bring to me ?

Yes Pm

           really slipped into Africa ?

    afraid so

I see, and the        ship above us..?

Is taking one human man every      days and still we don't know       .

         the fox I heard last night, outside, the one I always hear,      that seems to mock me,     have your men found out ?

Nothing yet Pm,       as ephemeral as smoke , I have no news for you yet

        by Monday you shall or         the aliens take you before I      .

So shall it be Pm

One last       George ?

Yes ?

When will it be safe for me to leave this         ?

Soon            we are almost there.

Good, bring me           the blessed fox

Good night 

After it's finished I label the tape and Roy files away the transcript. This has been the strangest work experience week of my life.

October 7 Woman had broken hip in care home

I placed my card in the reader and realised almost at once it was too early. The swollen face on the raised platform before me narrowed her slits of eyes.
" I've given up, don't bother any more telling em to wait, just let them work it out for themselves."
I apologised and desperately searched for a suitable piece of small talk, to smooth over the tension between us.
" huh, yeah, guess you have to "
A poor attempt but at least it made sense, she smiled back, ripped off a reciept which she layed aside and then a second which was handed over.
Turning to leave I walked into a display of poor quality gadgets and oversized chocolate bars.
" I can't help you luv, did my hip in , at the nursing home, can you believe it, no wonder I'm a miserable old sod, eh? "
I was willing to bet her disposition hadn't radically changed since this incident, but thought better of it.
" They really are awful places aren't they, absolute hideous "
A single tear, I saw it briefly before the armour plating came up once more.
" I'm in one of those moods, can't even be nice to myself so god help the rest of you!"
I'll not be going back there in a hurry.

October 6 Labour shadow cabinet reshuffle

She huffs at me again for my latest failure and in turn I try to make my expression less annoying and pretend to listen. Pretty soon all my faults will be seen as the small beans they truly are when compared to the maelstrom that is about to descend upon us. I'd read an email, sent in error, my username being remarkably similar to a member of the government. In June the shadow cabinet is to be reshuffled. Now, I don't do current affairs or science but I've never heard a more ominous sounding phrase than 'shadow cabinet'.

I check the computer screen , just been outbid for one of the last available nuclear bunkers. I make a move to the keyboard but as I do so the screen dies. Sound behind me.

I'm not sure if she's laughing or furious, standing there holding the plug in her hand. Need to act fast.

" Darling, " I say, " I have something to tell you "

October 5 Bahrain grants medics a retrial

She was blessed and she never forgot that, Huda Azra Ibrahim Nunu, the first ever female Jew to appointed Ambassador by an Arab nation. That was what she'd always thought she'd be remembered for, long after her body had returned to the soil. Looks like she was wrong.
The Jewish community in Bahrain only numbers 37 people now, the exodus having started shortly after the second world war when the oppression and repression became too much to bear. But her fmaily had stayed, and she'd survived and blosomed, becoming the dutiful Ambassador, wheeled out as necessary, to show the inclusivity and progressive nature of the new regime. She'd smiled and bowed and laughed and clapped. Shown strength but not aggression, biding her time.
She looks at the document ,her signature curvy and confident, clear, nothing spidery or evasive about it. The best things in life grow slowly, advice sagely offered by her Grandmother when as an 8 year old girl Huda had been a full five inches shorter than everyone in her school.
Her passport was in order, after today there would repercussions, contacts she'd built up over years criss crossing the globe were all linked up and waiting. She was ready to be passed down the line, like a bucket of water to a fire, but in reverse, the fire would erupt here.
Four men, all medics, and coincidently all Jewish, had been found guilty of crimes against the Bahrain people, all rubbish of course but if this paperwork went through they'd be bailed. On her say so, by her name and then she could spirit them away with her.Their passports were in her bag ready, all she had to do was press send on her computer.
This is what she will be remembered for.

October 4 Mob takes emergency water bottles

The lift door opened. And that wouldn't have been too bad if I couldn't hear a tiger roar. I stood there unable to move, counting the decisions I could have taken to avoid ending up trapped in a lift in a hotel. Of course it wasn't a tiger but the cry of a thousand angry men storming the building, searching for the last of the water. I'm going to stand here for ever, that's what ill do.

October 3 Council secures Dale Farm ruling

The man rises and speaks confidently, with obvious distain.
"From a certain angle I can make the farm hands, as they stand in line waiting for their money, look like insignificant ants, drowning in honey. Although early days I am convinced this can become reality. This entirely innocent thought has led me to this court room where I must now waste my time by explaining my machine to you lot. M'lud."

October 2 McClaren resigns as Forest boss

I said he wouldn't last and when the squirrels started to disappear finally McClaren accepted his time in charge of the Forest was drawing to a close. When they returned driving tiny tanks armed with spears made from porcupine quills he understood a little clearer it was time for him to go. He was a brave man, a learned man with big ideas who wanted to bring the forest into the twenty first century, he had plans and excel spreadsheets, 3d visualisations of tree clusters and a paper for undergrowth renewal. He'd been to college and wore a tie and liked meeting people and animals.

If you want my opinion he was lucky it was the squirrels that got to him first as the recent toileting guidance hadn't gone down well with the bears at all .

October 1 Australian swimmer lies to police

If you ever end up in the outback, in an area name of Gawler Ranges you may see, amongst the salt lakes, emus and kangaroos, a water tower some forty foot high. And if you climb that tower you could stand inside the now famous and empty water tank and look out towards Lake Everard in the west and Lake Acraman in the north, take in the beauty and majesty of our country. I guess, if you did find yourself in the water tower it was the crime and scandal that brought you there in the first place. But remain open minded, I suggest you concentrate on the panorama, the bouldered rock fields rather than looking to the container itself. Ignore the ticc tac scratches in the rust that marked the last days of his captives, ignore too the stains on the floor and the corroded chains. Climb back down and marvel at Mother Natures gift to humanity, remember those who were released, the photographs from the newspapers as they were reunited with their loved ones and of those people who prosecuted the swimmer, ripped apart his claim that the tower was his training pool. Look to find the good in life as the bad will find you soon enough.