December 31 Warmer homes with new powers

Kragor the almighty surveyed his home and was happy. In the hearth, the black nebula matrix roared into life at a glance from his cybernetic eye implant. At the other end of the room, his robot wife sung Wagner waiting for the synthi meal to stop blinking whilst the twins Rex and Rebel played 3 dimensional chess in the Zero-G conservatory. Today, as every other day, was going to be a real humdinger.
And then he coughed and the world ended.

December 30 Dead couple tests 'inconclusive'

They took a table in the corner, kissed briefly and ordered the food. Soup to start and a glass of white wine. Afterwards whilst waiting for the main the woman reached into her bag, pulled out a book and began to read.
" Out of 365 days I thought about you, in a favourable light on 34 occasions, badly, that is, I thought about you negatively, 32 times "
She smiled and raised her glass, he gave a little laugh and raised his own.
" ok, sounds about right, last year I have thought about you, " he took a scrap of paper out and squinted his eyes to examine it, " in a good way, ", a little smirk, " that's all I'm saying, in a good way, on 78 times, I also thought about you in a not so pleasant way, on 32 times. "
They nodded and chinked glasses, " So I'm the nicer person " he concluded.
" But we knew that already dear, " she answered.
The main arrived shortly after, pasta and a plain tomato salad. After the meal they embraced and she left whilst he picked up the bill. A tiny scene of every life life.

December 29 Two bodies discovered in house

They talked on the phone all night, stitching themselves into each other lives, papering over the cracks that had grown between them. Distance made their differences seem less important. By the time the first light appeared they were together, entwined.

December 28 Design flaws' caused China crash

My beautiful wife, hand picked over fine fibre optic cables gave me the finest day of my life. Unfortunately her idea of a good sense of humour and mine were quite different, mind you I'd never have imagined hair could burn so quickly. And smell so bad.
I think she smiles sometimes when the nurse leaves us alone so I guess time will tell.

December 27 Suspicious fires hit paper mill

The pig removed his helmet and took a swig from his hip flask.

"To learn from our mistakes is no longer enough, to survive; we, as pigs need to be able to extrapolate from our experiences, to predict future events and patterns of change. " 

The TV camera zoomed in.

" When the straw house failed so miserably we, as a rapidly evolving society should have investigated steel framed concrete construction systems straight away, not mess about with flimsy paper buildings. That lack of foresight couple with allowing wolves to have a final cigarette will go down as low points in our history. "

Georgie, the owner of the burnt out paper mill hit the TV remote and turned it off,  where were these forward thinking engineers when they were needed  eh ?

December 26 Ancient forest 'recovering well'

Pulling Old Frank from the well we all cheered to see his left leg had grown back just as the bent fisherman had told us it would. That he had also drowned was unfortunate and that was when Aunt Roberta began to cry.
" Don't worry Bobby, we'll get the timing right next time, put on your goggles " Ma said.
And that is as much as I can tell you children, until you're much older. Night Night.

December 25 Rare blueprints of Discovery ship

The hours we spend chasing are more pleasurable than the minutes we spend enjoying our catch.

Back when I was fifteen I'd plan so many scenarios to meet girls , all acutely embarrassing but doubly so when read aloud by my teenage daughter as she climbs down the loft ladder.

(Life moves forwards with the appetite of a shark and if you try to swim against the current you may end up getting the bends )

December 24 Residents rescued from city flats

We drank home-made wine and watched everyone gather on the street, some dressed for bed, others clearly having put on clothes for the alarm. A man with a ruddy face and a younger girl stole guilty looks; they arrived at the same time but then stood with different partners. That was the last time we played that particular trick. Looking back it's just one of the many things I'm not proud of, wish the list was shorter, never got that 'regret the things you haven't done' mentality, it's the things I have done that keep me awake at night. But we did laugh a lot more back then and that's the truth.

December 23 Trailer full of sludge abandoned

For the last twenty miles we walked far quicker but also in near silence, the air a stench of bad feeling. Grays revelation that the trailer we'd been hauling up the mountain was just sludge hadn't gone down well at all. We're at the end of our endurance, feet blistered, lips chapped, muscles ready to fall away from our bones and all trying our best to keep going despite the weather; the cold, the damp and despite the fact that for four days we'd been dragging a trailer of sludge for no apparent reason other than to ' make it more of a challenge'.

If this were an old Hammer film the final scene would see Gray sinking into the biscuit coloured sludge, big red letters spelling out The End seconds after his grasping hand disappears forever. 

We left the trailer back there, abandoned it once he told us the truth. If I close my eyes I can hear the soundtrack to this film, it's being played on an eighties synth, probably by Goblin.

December 22 Independence warning from Sir Gus

She cooked me pork and mustard and I knew, as she was from Irish stock, my granddad would love her. Relationships have been built on firmer footings but it worked for a while, we went to the coast and I bought her hats, she liked to hold hands and then one day I told her I wanted to try dahl and couscous.

She moved to Bolton. Heed Me.

December 21 Sleeper service funds announced

We need to become our enemy and we have a plan to do so. But first the rationale for you all .
If we imagine the history of warfare drawn as a proximity arc; in ancient times man needed to get up close and personal to fight , the distance between opposing sides minimal. Then arrows and spears made more space less safe as the distances grew wider. Mechanical weaponry such as guns and later missiles widened the divide further still and this trajectory reached its zenith in the 1970's with the star wars program; opposing satellite controlled weapons of mass destruction holding the world in an equilibrium of uneasy peace, the distance larger than the earth itself. Since then, the so called war on terror and conflicts in increasingly inhospitable lands mankind has been forced once again closer and closer to each other in order to fight and kill one another. Our arc contracts, and now, if we consider the suicide bombers of modern day our proximity arc has flat-lined. The next stage, we believe is to become our enemy, to plant sleeper cells in not just one particular potential threat but in all groups outside the norm; those that worship a different god but also those who listen to loud music, those that drive Eco Friendly cars, those that shop in Delis and those that refuse to complete all the questions on our monitoring forms. When the next battle begins we will be ready.

December 20 Two jailed for sham marriage plot

As I sat there, tears streaming down my face, Uncle Barry punching the wall and Dezzie off searching the churchyard for relatives I read the text again.

We are sorry your wife is face mean, this was not your beautiful intended. If you wait we shall reimburse you soon, in many years as we have been illegling. Thank you for your continued custom.

Papa always said you get what you pay for. My Kids smile and tell me everything is going to be ok and they are right, sunlight breaks through the clouds and I am a panther again, on the prowl.

December 19 Lessons to be learnt after flood

Moving house I find an envelope from many years ago. On it are words I can recite by heart.

"When I get stuck in a place or a situation I dislike I dissolve into a clear liquid and seep away, finding my escape through the tiniest of gaps"

They are written on scraps of sodden paper left in Uncle Morris' Lab, I am five and know I shouldn't be there but I gingerly pick them up and run upstairs to my Mum. She's been crying and we walk outside where we lay the paper on the ground to dry. As we sit there she explains that sometimes people feel trapped and we wait until Uncle Morris arrives. When he finally emerges from the house I get a big hug and he tells me that he loves me and Mum. I pocket the scraps of paper and read them later under the bedclothes with the help of my dictionary.

I remember saying to myself, when I grow up I'll never go somewhere I don't like. And today I am moving to Mansfield.

December 18 MP sacked after 'Nazi' stag photo

The hours spent training a stag to goose step now seem a waste of time Donald thinks as he fills in a Millets application form. She was right after all, how annoying.

December 17 Section of wall in city collapses

The latest hole to appear is the shape of bowling pin, about a foot across at its base, widening slightly to 18 " before narrowing and forming a neatly turned head 4 '6 high. If you stand on one side and look through the gap you can see the edge of the co-op , part of a bus shelter and the common ground behind both, in the distance an enclosed MUGA, Multi Use Games Area, which iss rarely used for games at all, well not sporting ones anyway. If you stand the other side, you can see number 37 and a bit of a street lamp. When these events were first reported it was naturally assumed to be the work of students or artists, the precision of the beer bottle and claw hammer seemed impossible to arise naturally. But when the third section of wall, part of the library, began to crumble whilst a wedding party posed for photographs outside, at least 14 different videos showed the wall crumbling away, nibbled until the shape of a capital T was created. There are now unreported  reports of shapes spontaneously occurring in walls in Belgium, Taiwan, St Louis and Luxembourg. There is a developing pattern here and we wait to see what happens next. 

December 16 Viking silver hoard is treasure

A Viking silver hoard is a treasure, as is a five year old making rose perfume for mothers day, what isn't treasure is having your granddad stuffed and placed in his favourite chair to remind you of the good times. Charlie outlines  this argument again and again but feels Paddy is ignoring his pleas, ' you're just a kid Charlie '.
In less than fifteen days Paddy will die yet Charlie is still more worried about Feng Shui than losing a grandparent.

December 15 Duffy has case to answer - judge

Thank you for this opportunity to speak. When I was a youngster I'd steal things, not small things like other kids but big things like dustbins and alsatians. And I was damn good at it too, took them and returned them all before their owners realised, had a gift I guess you could say. I know that's not the sort of thing I should be saying, I'm sorry. I dedicated my life to it, didn't learn it from masters in temples or any of that I just practiced and now, I'm here, you're there aren't you. And what you really want to know is why that lift shaft is empty, am I right or are you just yanking my chain?

December 14 Diamond Jubilee plan is unveiled

Ok, run that by me again.
... a bank holiday for all
of course
... flags and streamers
at least
... coverage on telly ( at least ITV, preferably BBC)
will you consider channel 4
... as a last resort
good, and...
... and Catweasel to officiate a ceremony
yes, Catweasel..?
... the skinny wrestler
and you're sure this is what the Queen wants
... Ha ha, no, of course not, but it wants she gonna get...

I'll have to speak to people and get back to you

December 13 Fletcher takes 'extended break'

The girl with the Alice band licks the tips of her fingers and sticks her hand out of the bus window. No one notices this happening except me. She is totally beautiful. I thought this when we first met a month ago and since then I've followed her. Tomorrow I'll introduce myself and she will be my friend.

December 12 Scientists make new Mekong finds

Sitting in the waiting room at St Pancras station drinking tea too hot to hold comfortably I stared at silent footage of pop stars and politicians on the TV screen helpfully erected for us in the corner of the coffee shop. Something caught my eye, a rolling headline ending with ' make new Mekong finds' and for the briefest of micro seconds I confuse Mekong with the Mekon and understand with great clarity and calmness we are now in  Dan Dares world. A place where alien overlords plot, robot armies are controlled by a talking cat and fight smugglers and I can't trust anyone as they may be a doppelganger grown from a pod. I felt myself smiling, no, I felt myself grinning.

I've never stopped grinning and also never got back on that train.

December 11 Woman dies after road accident

Somewhere along my life important things have been overwritten by less important things. I know how to ski but can't remember what it felt like to kiss Charlotte. The taste of her lips, the smell of her breath. I came to the church by taxi not out of respect or guilt but out of practicality.

As the hymn starts and I check my phone for an important email I hope no one is watching.

December 10 Engineers battle to restore power

As we walk away from the fire I try to call Audrey. Behind us the battle is raging, the others are coming, they grind into the ground , snakes in their hips, plastic lips and empty eyes. Whilst we were sleeping they grew strong but we're going to re-group and Audrey will be fine, she always is. This night has only just started. 

December 9 Atlas charts Irish cancer rates

Hilda placed my gift down on the side and sipped her tea before thanking me.
" That's lovely Graham, thank you very much"
Next door Georgia held it up to her good eye.
" What is it ? "
" It's a ..." A glance towards me for help, " I think it's African ? It's a traditional design I think...? "
" That's right Auntie Hilda, it's from the Gabon "
She composed herself and appraised it afresh, pulling her pointy chin back into her turkey neck. I almost told her then that I'd decorated with a colour coded map of cancer deaths across the globe but highlighting those in Ireland, her place of birth. But I didn't, I think the spirit of Christmas must've got to me.
" You're a lovely artist Graham, you should go to college, you really should "
" Thanks Auntie Hilda "

December 8 'Rubbish Island' is 'overwhelmed'

It's all very well to have a gorgeous wife and a bounding dog with fluffy ears but if you live round here the stench of despair smacks you full in the chops as soon as you leave your front door.
I read this in her diary.

December 7 Doubt on basketball's 'hot hands'

Finally, I'm about to get some action, Big Sam motions to me to put on my hat. That's what I think anyway, we have a very complicated signalling system and it's often difficult to remember all the combinations in the heat of a game. I'm a basketball player and a damn good one. The ref blows once and I jump up and take my place on the court, knocking knuckles with Lou, mutual respect for a fellow oldie. The opposing team know me, their fans know me and I am greeted by a chorus of abuse. I raise my hands to the air, hot rocks in my palm. The game has become like a pantomime but I play my part, I act immortal, like Kung Fu. The whistle blows again, Sam shouts out something, the ball comes towards me, the horns on my hat mark me out as a special player, I jump, and catch the ball. Cheers! Spinning like Robin Cousins I flex and shoot. The ball is stuck to my hand, the Spalding rips and tears a little. Big Sam is talking to the robot duck. My hat falls over my eyes. Someone is clapping, the court is on fire. I can't follow this anymore, time out.

December 6 Belgium swears in new cabinet

They had only been in the house for two weeks but already the old patterns were re-establishing themselves. Jude choose to ignore the curse emanating from the cabinet, she didn't know her daughter's exotically named boyfriend had stood in the cat litter tray, (another of her little secrets) but understood Hannah was as far away as she'd ever been.

December 5 Chaos after rubble falls in street

He said

Next time you casually drop a crisp on way from bag to mouth and think, oh well, a bird will eat it I hope you think again. For the discarded potato product that seems so light and delicious to you is but another another rock of pure krypton to the microscopic families going about their daily business underfoot. A Valhalla for those hard working miniature creatures that scurry in the grooves of our concrete paving. Once we were only that big in the grand scheme of things and someone dropped an asteriod that killed our dinosaur forefathers, the universe is infinite but hideous cruel, anything we can do to minimise the scars we make on this planet is a step in the right direction. One day these weird tiny things may grow up to be our overlords and we don't want them angry.

Then I heard him say

Hmmm, good point,


And the last thing I heard was

Maybe we should destroy them while we have the chance, pass me the Cheese and Onion.

And when I turned the corner, there was no one there.

December 4 Panda plane arrives in Edinburgh

The man described them stepping onto the runway into the gathered throng like oversized rock star in fur coats. Ang , who'd identifed himself as the pilot addressed the worlds media.
" Thank you Humans of 2012, on behalf of the Interstellar Panda Federation I bring you grave news"
I listen transfixed to the radio the keeper ironically tied to the tree in our enclosure and nod to Frank and Benji; our time has come.

December 3 Colombia uncovers 'ghost pupils'

The house was empty, she was too late. Whoever had been writing the essays was gone and Columbia was no closer to understanding why. For the past two months teachers had been reporting unsolicited coursework amongst their regular marking. She had been asked to look into the matter, to flush out the culprit, a personal favour to the Dean. The names on the papers had all been from ex pupils, ones that would be in their eighties today were they still alive. Columbia and her team had worked long into nights, following multiple lines of enquiry until by tracing email accounts they'd been led to this house, in a suburb of Kasugai; they'd done a methodical job, they'd followed the bread crumbs so confidently.
Columbia drew on a cigarette and closed the door behind her, there would be no answers here.

December 2 Pump hack 'false alarm' explained

As Paul entered the final digit and heard the siren kick in he slunk to the floor. The fourth time in six weeks he'd made the same mistake, the unit would begin to shut down now.  In the dark, waiting for maintenance to arrive he tries to work up a suitable explanation emphasising his bad luck over carelessness. Nothing too convoluted, keep your lies simple, that's what his Granddad had always told him. It's time to get another job, he thinks, one lacking two similarly named key mechanical devices.  A knock on the door, he lets the man in and begins.
" How in heck do you think a racoon got into the facility ? "
His next job had also better be one that isn't too fussy over references.

December 1 Planning change comes into effect

I find myself crouched down behind my door as the sound of five heavy set men in stilettos knocking loudly begins to die down. In the mirror I catch sight of myself and that's all the encouragement I need to remain hidden.
" We'll go without you ! "
That's the plan, I think.