February 25 Water chief quizzed by MPs about crypto outbreak

The best myths teach us valuable lessons in life, and although many are ancient their truths are timeless. 

Take the story of Mr Poseidon who lived at 42 Acacia Avenue and oversaw the sea, and most water-based dangers such as droughts and floods even storms at a push. In the back garden he handled horses and recorded earthquakes. Most of his time however was spent sat at a large mahogany desk in a large drawing room with good internet with a view over the road to his nemesis neighbour, Neptune. 

Neptune was new on the road but had already turned heads with his fashionable clothes, and modern ways, telling everyone the future lay with canals, not the open sea, much more convenient and more suited to contemporary living. No shipwrecks nor krakens, truly the way forward. He liked to recline in a hammock rocking it gently by prodding the ground with a mighty trident. Poseiden was convinced this and pretty much every action he did was deliberately provocative, like a gaudy dandy, baiting his neighbour. 

From burnt toast to a soggy Newpaper caught halfway int the letterbox when the rains began, each misfortune Poseiden blamed on the upstart from across. 

And so, when he couldn't rise from the toilet one morning, for fear of liquid coming from either of his two main orifices Poseiden had finally had enough and called in every favour he had to wake the local MP up and have him visit Neptune to hopefully find the necessary evidence of food poisoning, proving once and for all the unsuitable nature of the latest resident.  

Revenge is a dish best served cold, and wet, Poseiden said as he hung up just before his bowels emptied once more. 

The next morning never came for Poseiden as in his excitement and lust to get one over on his neighbour he literally managed to poo all himself inside out, which, as a scatological mythological warning is so out there it’s easy enough to understand why it’s excluded from most anthologies.