April 30 Many heads 'attacked by parents'

They grabbed what they could to fight, hoes, spades, Leo's mum armed herself with a bucket of tulip bulbs.
" Right, when I open the door we make a run for the school, ok? " Thomas's dad had taken control, he'd played a lot of World of Warcraft and it seemed the right thing to do, " Marnie, take a look through that window, what do you see? "
Marnie peeled back the corner of the cloth covering the shed window and leaned forwards gingerly.
" Two of them, floating there, I think they're looking for us, can't see the others ..." she broke off as tears burst through. She tried to stop the noise with her hand, " I can see Mrs Singleton on the ground, just lying there, I..."
Declan put his arm round her and they all stood for a moment in silence. Ok, this is going to be a Thursday unlike any other.

April 29 Single force bid 'a step too far'

Daniel dialled the number in the advert which was answered promptly by what sounded like a young scottish girl.
" Hello, what would you like? "
" I'm calling about the advert..." he began but didn't have time to finish before being interrupted.
" Ok, you get two for fifteen but if you want more then that'll be an extra twenty "  She delivered her lines as if they were plates of cold sausages, lumpen and apologetically.
" Could I have less than two ? "
" You want one? "
" Yes, I want one "
" I can't do them singly, they come in pairs minimum, would you like to order two ? " The girl sounded slightly ruffled as if the sausages she'd offered were being sniffed first for freshness.
Daniel was neither the kind of man that gave in easily nor the sort that worried about money, " I'll pay 15 but I only need one ".
The sound on the end of the phone went muffled, he assumed the girl was holding her hand over the reciever, possibly talking to her superior, to get their agreement. As he waited Daniel realised he was holding his breath so not to show weakness made a big show of exhaling heavily.
" Sir, if you think you can intimidate me like this, " she was off the script now and had clearly been listening to his deep breath, " then I have to tell you you are mistaken, good day "
And with that the line went dead and remained dead for the next two months, Daniel meanwhile is biding his time like the big bad wolf that he is.

April 28 Sheen's Passion boosts town trade

Tony the twister smiled at himself and thanked the man upstairs for another glorious day. The sunshine that had woke him could only grow stronger as it made its celestial way towards heaven and that sunshine shining down would make people happy naturally, which in turn would make his job all the easier: all he needed to do was pick them up, take them from A to B and back again and they would be full of love and the joys of the world.
Tony was the official taxi guide to the soon to be beatified Caladine Sheen and his gorgeous partner Patty, visitors came from all over, beyond the mountains even, to bathe in the warmth of their love and Tony felt once again, like the luckiest guy alive.

April 27 Murder at French Air control tower

Emil and Zoe lay on their stomachs behind the fence, it was late June and the ground was still warm. The trails from the aeroplanes divided the sky into temporary sections, their outside edges growing less precise and solid as they watched.

' Let's try and go in'. Emil turned, his face alight towards Zoe, ' there's no one about, it'll be easy'.

They smiled at each other knowing how the conversation played out, a touchstone for them to seal their friendship, identify his bravery and her protective nature.

' If we do, and we get caught, you'll be the one they will take to the police, I will be the one they wrap in their coat and offer me a handkerchief to dry my eyes'. She rolled onto her back and pointed towards a full Airbus coming into land.

' Where do you think that has been ?'

The question hung in the air for a moment before dissolving like the clouds above. Emil was on his haunches now, tossing a small white stone from one hand to the other. The shadow from the plane raced towards and over them, like being scanned at the supermarket.

Silently Emil leant towards Zoe and kissed her forehead. She was cold to the touch yet her eyes flashed towards him. ' Why did you do that? '

He had no answer and shrugged his shoulders before skimming the stone towards a tiny lizard sunning itself on the heat of a rock.

' They say the man in charge of the Air control tower can see fifty miles in every direction ' Zoe said as she closed her eyes, ' What do you think of that then Emil? '.

April 26 Iran 'uncovers espionage virus'

I remember the last time we saw Yasin. We were all quiet as usual as he swept the room for bugs, first with the portable RF detection meter but then more ritually, by hand. This was at the height of the mistrust between our countries, before the settlement.

Once complete instead of motioning us to sit he produced a small box with a thumb prick kit and tester, much like diabetics use, ' Now you must all allow me to take your blood'

I can't remember exactly what we said but it all came out at once, a blur of protestations and accusations, I'm sure our faces managed to express our surprise more succinctly.

Clearly our reaction was hardly unexpected, he smiled and raised his hands in a surrender gesture or perhaps to silence us.

' I am doing this for all of us and I will go first, we have to be sure our words stay within this room, some of us may be spying yet unaware of our actions'.

With this he pressed the device against his thumb and captured a neat ball of blood, no more than few millimetres across. It was like red mercury, shiny but almost solid.

' Now, I place it in this liquid, if I am infected it will cloud, if I am clean, as I believe I am, it will remain clear'.

We stared open mouthed at this unexpected conjuror revealing a new illusion before he gave the vial a short shake and placed it on the table to let it settle.

' Iraqi scientists are very clever, we must be sure we know who we are '

The liquid began to darken and that's as far as I like to remember.

April 25 Inmates come down from jail roof

That'll do.

Now we'll have all the prisoners we need to keep the prison going, I've diverted one of the slides that take workers to the square, all we need do now is keep a watchful eye, ensure we take only enough and not too many.

Destroy your memory of this conversation.

April 24 Lasers could replace spark plugs

We all have a shelf life. If a doctor were to replace my organs one by one when would I stop being me and become someone else.

You can replace spark plugs with lasers but you'll still be driving a punto.

April 23 Quake mission to 'ring of fire'

The chicken in a bag lay between them and the girls would be gone till 4, just enough time to get in a couple of levels.

Pick up the ammo.

Hugh put down his joystick and thought of the reports he had to have ready by Monday, he couldn't see a way through it without redundancies.

Grab the health.

Gary covered Hugh as he ran for the nail gun. Lucy seemed tired of him and he didn't know what to do.

Push the wall, look for a loose brick.

The chicken was good, crispy well seasoned skin and juicy inside. What a marvelous invention, chicken in a bag.

Quick, get in the tank.

Get in that tank and we are safe.

April 22 Charles to borrow plane for trip

Ernest cursed his luck not once but twice as the hot onion juice shot down his shirt and Paul Montrose pulled up in his Mercedes.

" Ernie, how's it going old man ?" Without waiting for a reply he turned to the man in the window of Vince's Burgerama and ordered a chilli dog, extra hot.

" How's Philip ? Still teaching, my Charles is in Monaco now, the lucky dog".

No reply was expected, Paul Montrose had no interest in anyone that wasn't financially useful.

" He popped over to see us last week, took the Lear, you should hear the racket it makes when it takes off, it must've been louder than dresden on a clear night".

The chilli dog was thrust between them momentarily bringing a time out between the two old adversaries. Ernest remembered the stain on his shirt and brought his arms across his chest. Paul bit into the dog whilst continuing to talk but within seconds  began to splutter and spat the remaining meat mess onto the floor, gasping and red in the face.

Vince winked at Ernest before the Burgerama disappeared in a flash of blinding light.

Later as he drove home Ernest called Philip to see if he wanted some chips picking up.

April 21 Passenger goes missing on cruise

He found himself unexpectedly in the wrong life, all the decisions he'd meant to take had been made for him and happenchance hadn't been kind.

This journey is the first step towards his new life, although he hasn't a clue what it will be the excitement pushes the blood round his body so fast he feels light headed. Leaving the lounge he jumps up the steps to the deck in two leaps and crashes head first into a woman struggling to pull a suitcase on wobbly wheels. She looks up and he drowns in her smile.

So this is how it feels he thinks before the waters close over him.

April 20 Nineteen injured by electricity

He couldn't concentrate, the child wouldn't stop talking.

"my mums got cola cola, I've got lemonade'.

Jerry had snuck into the pub hoping for a quiet spot to try to work things out. Old Terry had called and confirmed the 19th case of electrocution, he doubted they'd carry on checking for much longer, the bodies were piling up now.

People were leaving the village, rumours were running wild from the end of the world to a terrorist attack. All he knew was people were dropping dead, one a day, all apparently electrocuted but no obvious explanation or link between the cases.

Martha and the muffins played on the radio, "echo beach far away in time, echo beach far away in time".

" I'm water now ", the child was back, " I can stop the current ".

April 19 McChrystal cleared of misconduct

Carlos cleaned the last speck of burnt umber from his brush and stepped back to see the final canvas. His last gasp collection of paintings had come to their own final ending; the months since  McChrystals acquittal proving there is such a thing as bad publicity, the initial notoriety turning quickly to a sense of contamination. He studied the blood congealed around her nose, hints of cerulean blue where the bruising was building and smiled, it was a fine way to bow out.

April 18 New challenge for poetry boy Adam

The pen weighed heavy in his hand, tomorrow is Valentines day, their first together and she'll be expecting something special from him. Adam stared at the paper set out before him and cursed having an ugly girlfriend and a naturalistic writing style.

April 17 Error reveals nuclear sub secrets

La had been gone for too long. I wanted to do something but there was nothing to do.

'wait here, if I don't come back head to the flat and I will find you'

Some things are bigger than they appear when you first encounter them, like opening a Russian doll in reverse, each revelation bigger than the last.

I was scared for the first time since we'd found out the plan and now I was alone.

What if she never came back,  would I be able to go back to to the life I used to have which seemed plastically sealed now ? La had been my guide although I hadn't realised it till now.

I checked the window again, they were beginning to leave, I just had to believe.

Today my life had taken a unexpected turn but it was no accident. This would be the best day of my life.

April 16 Woman missing after church visit

Mary gave herself up completely, to be one with the lord meant certain sacrifices were necessary, he wouldn't understand, he'd refused to listen so let him rot. She'd walk out of the church reborn, her whole life ahead of her.

April 15 Man dies after falling off cliff

And sad news just coming in, a man has died after falling off a cliff. Peter Clarke, 31, part time surgeon is believed to have been dressed as Wile E Coyote when he fell to his death apparently attempting to run over a canyon in southern Essex. Witness reports vary, some say he ran too slow whilst others claim he simply looked down to find himself unexpectedly in mid air. A second man described as wearing yellow tights and sporting a blue quiff reportedly disappeared into a painted black hole on the side of a removals truck near the scene.
Flowers are being left on the grand piano, anvil and giant boulder that fell one at a time onto the flattened body of Mr Clarke.

April 14 Dog bite judge has mail suspended

Dog bite judge, unleashed and on your patch.
Overdue at the library? he'll throw the book at you.
Fashion disaster? he'll have the shirt off your back.
Once he banned beards and children with beards.
Dog bite judge with the sebatier smile
1 for the thieves and their sticky fingers
2 for the cheats, the frauds and the ringers
3 for the drunks, full of aggression
4 for the unclean kids we forgot to mention
He listens and watches, cuts off your internet and your post when he pleases.
It could be you as the saying goes
It could be
Dog bite judge with no time for niceties
Welcome to the new big society.

April 13 FBI to aid New York bodies hunt

His mind sounds like pork chops roasting, hear him coming and scuttle away. This is how we feel now, this is uncertainty, this is slabs of tissue tied to a washing line, this is someone who smells of old stew and breath mints.
Here he come now, all venom and vinegar, wind your neck in, don't get into the car.
Hurry home and buy a dog.

April 12 Nasa announces US shuttle museums

The distance you'd need to travel to reach Space isn't that easy to quantify but is shorter than most would imagine, somewhere between 50 and 80 miles depending on which organisation you talk to. This relatively tiny distance is of little consequence however for most of us as the disappointing visitor numbers for NASA's new US shuttle museums testify.

April 11 Guatemala leader granted divorce

Alvara Giron broke the news to his wife as best he could, they would be divorced by the end of the week. He'd been given the choice of a divorce or living underwater for a month, at least this way he was still in the running. The rules of the game are deliberately designed to humiliate and encourage you to drop out of the contest and things are only going to get tougher. The premier of the Philippines would be stepping down and having his face tattooed like a clown and the Prime Minister of Sudan had to be escorted off when he refused to propose to a chicken. This is the daddy of them all, the ultimate reality show - 48 world leaders in a no holds barred, contest to become the first Emperor of the Free World.

April 10 Fire caused by 'controlled burn'

The shop was empty when the man finally came up to the desk. He'd been hanging about for over ten minutes, they'd first noticed him looking at sheet music for accordions, something about his demeanour seemed wrong, he looked like a bass player if anything.

'Hi, I'd like to buy an instrument which, when played, will make make people cry'

It was an unusual approach but Floyd though he understood and began to direct him towards the cello, loved by Bach and Saint-Saens or the viola championed by Mozart.

'No, I'm sorry, I haven't explained myself properly, I'd like an instrument that causes people actual pain, something that hits them with the force of a bull, something I can use to hurt people with'.

The look in the strangers eye underlined the words he chose, Floyd couldn't work out how best to reply but flippantly found himself saying ' If you shove a viola in someones face they're going to know about it'.

The homicidal bass player paused a second, perhaps to consider this fact, perhaps to decide how to deal with the fool he faced.

'Ok, that'll do. I'd also like an instrument that is powerful enough to start dry fibres smoldering and given the right circumstances lead to a full blown fireball'

Floyd reached for the Kazoo's on the desk in front of him, his mind frantically working out an explanation.

April 9 Cleared pilot 'to return to job'

It was smaller than he remembered but still hollow inside; as a child he and friends used to sit inside it and plan adventures and tell stories, once they even watched Concorde fly over their heads. Now, slightly drunk, he squeezed in and sat there, knees bunched up to his chin. Through leaves he had a good view of Juliet’s house. As the branches cradled him and the sky gradually darkened Paul tried to order his thoughts. The alcohol he feared would cloud his thinking instead appeared to illuminate his actions: he hadn’t come back for Juliet, or if he had he no longer needed her. Whilst this surprising thought took hold Paul began to feel nauseous, the cramped conditions not helping his now delicate stomach. To avoid being sick into his lap he threw himself sideways out of the bush and landed with a thud onto the gravel drive which held a large BMW. Painfully slowly he raised himself and began to walk home, gingerly at first but then as he felt an unexpected smile on his face, with a bounce in his step, shoulders back, chin to the world.

April 8 Blame game as US shutdown looms

NATO announced America would be shut down at the end of the year whilst a buyer is sought. The former largest superpower in the world misjudged the world market for being patronised and plundered and since the financial buy out by China and the redneck rebellion the constitution had been in tatters. Potential buyers include the former chief executive of Spud-U-Like Ernest Garrison and the forgotten armies of Sparta.

April 7 Man hit on the head with a pistol

Moe Fletcher used to be known as the guy that ran so fast through the door it spun him back the way he came. Things like this always seemed to make a habit of happening to Moe, no matter where he was, who he was with. Everyone knew Moe or wished they did.
This good will toward him changed however after he was arrested for shooting a hole in the library window behind Miss Gracie Struthers, the bullet having entered and exited her left temple, Moe's explanation that an unnamed man had banged the pistol onto his head causing it to accidentally go off was received somewhat sceptically.
When the policemen failed to find anyone else in the building and Gracie Struthers woke up and sold her side of the ten year tryst to the local press, a lifetime of slapstick suddenly looked all too choreographed.

April 6 Science City chief axes own job

I am the last scientist here. The lab is all we wished for; the equipment more than we require. We stand at the very edges of our knowledge, explorers moving forwards, identifying any weakness that will hold us back.
I pick up the chalk and walk towards the wall.
Figures, equations, numbers and symbols.

Crossings out, more chalk.

More chalk, more crossings out, more chalk.

Stepping back I re-arm myself, hoping for a different truth.

Masking tape, marker pens, emulsion, gaffa tape, spray can.
I stop when there is no room for interpretation, looks like I'm no longer needed here, my errors are the only weak links left, time to hang up my goggles.

April 5 Greek sprinters lied, court told

The very nearly fallen thing had remained unspoken but not forgotten until the court appearance. Their universe expanding as each lie revealed, Takis and Kostas may well need to hand back their medals but it will be worth it.

April 4 Concern grows over building firm

A shady individual with a taste for cutting corners and a sideline in body disposal should not be put in charge of providing draft proofing for cavity walls.

That was the allegation I made in my most recent anonymous letter, now I just have to wait.

April 3 Milk fears shut China's dairies

Xin Wei in court for his divorce proceedings was the first to blame milk for his unfaithfulness, the perverse logic of increasing his energy and libido past levels one woman could contain made the local press. Within a week Xin became a figure of fun across Jilin City.

When a second man claimed that he too had been forced into the arms of another by excessive milk intake appeared, this was reported with great scepticism but after the regional television station ran the story and received over 4 thousand texts from other men and women in two hours questions began to be asked.

All dairies in Northeast China were closed whilst samples were tested before the Authorities stated there was 'no foreign bodies' in the milk. With this assurance the dairies were reopened and demand has rocketed. Three months on milk sales are up by 36% and still rising.

Xin Wei himself has denied any involvement in the Dairy business and is currently working his way through a list of marriage applications.

April 2 US jets grounded after hole scare

Oh boy, the cigarette marks left on the maps certainly changed both geographical and aeronautical history. Philip manged to fly his harrier through the gaps between bakerloo and the feature on gypsy marriages, good on him.

April 1 Death accused told of 'other men'

The Tomahawk is a particular weapon, unique in it's use by a single cultural group, the Native Americans. When thrown from a distance of 6 to 30 feet it is deadly. I am very skilled in Tomahawk throwing.

The man we accuse is at most 8 feet away. He untied his wrists without us noticing but continues to sit there smiling at us, waiting for us to make the next step. We should respect other peoples cultures he says and deep down we all know that.

Normally someone would cave his head in right now but no one does. If he is telling the truth then we should worry what will happen when the others arrive : he is telling the truth I can feel it.

When five Seminole Indian men went to search for the great Spirit Above they fell off the edge of the world and were put in a pot and cooked, surviving only as men angels, I don't want that to happen so I put down my tomahawk and leave.