July 31 Busy exhibitions lead to gallery rage

Yesterday the galleries became our battlefields - self harming crowds at the expressionist print makers, sit ins at the fluxus installation and spontaneous stop the war demonstrations at the Paul Nash retrospective. Whilst I was visiting the Sol le Witt show and ended up with an urge to colour in a sheet of graph paper very neatly, my children, unfortunately, were seeing the new Chapman Brothers exhibition and consequently got arrested. Next time humanity is touched by artists I hope the Daily Mail serialize Fahrenheit 451 and we burn down their offices.

July 30 Falling goalposts kill boy, 12

Right, good effort lads but we need to push it more second half. I know a point takes us back up to 4th but a win will see us second on goal difference, lets go for it, Gunts, I want you to get wider and bang it into Chambo's head as soon as you can. Wes, knock out the fancy stuff, just keep it simple, you all know your jobs by niw.

You've probably noticed we're a man down right now, its nothing to worry about, just don't any of you get injured. Right , Who are we?  Go get em.

July 29 Death not part of hospital probe

I stood and watched him pace up and down, he didn't look friendly at the best if times but today the grim reaper really lived up to his name.

"And I say again, without me you wouldn't even have a job, its ridiculous I'm not even consulted"

He waved his scythe in the face if the woman behind the desk but she was unfazed.

" Rules are rules, pleasr take a seat and I will see if the director is out of his meeting, I'm sorry but that's all I can do ".

I'd never seen death before but surprisingly I found myself feeling sorry for him. I leant toward him as he slumped backwards into the chair.

" mint? " I offered.

July 28 Mock Afghan village men arrested

In December 1977 I watched the wrestler Kendo Nagasaki unmasked in a solemn ceremony live on ITV, revealing for the first time a man called Geoge who wore red contact lenses. I'm remembering this as I'm writing up the report on todays incident. We were called to a makeshift camp in the middle of the Westfield shopping centre in Derby, just outside LUSH, where four men had set up an Afghan settlement and were busy cooking up a storm with tradional  mantu, aushak and even bullani which they were handing out to bemused shoppers. The food was delicious, everyone was good natured, they'd known they wouldn't be allowed to stay for long but felt it important to show the other side of Afghan culture to the UK public. The main guy was called George, like Kendo, he was from Burton upon Trent and the closest he'd been to Afghanistan was playing Call of Duty 2. I'm thinking it's important to become the person we think we can be and wonder if I am brave enough to try.

July 27 Anti-rat campaign may be widened

I watched them as they danced, their legs entwined, her head on his shoulder, they rocked from side to side stepping over the strewn flowers, the crushed nasturtiums, the lillies and the iris'. The fact that he'd always claimed to have chronic hay fever was yet another lie to be unearthed that day. I briefly wondered why the shop was in such a state before deciding it didn't matter. They didn't notice as I opened the door, only when I began to speak did they turn. If I had the time and the nerve I would have liked to photograph their faces as she clearly had no idea who I was and looked so confused whilst he looked scared, ashamed and threatening all at the same time. After I'd said my bit I left, I didn't need to listen to their replies, there were still had four more names from his book to visit, it was going to be a very long day.

July 26 Three held as cars cause damage

So I'm stuck on the other side of the forecourt to everyone else, I'm looking through this little glass window, all smeary and it's hard to see anything anyway on account of the smoke and stuff and I don't even know if anyone else is safe or not.

They came from, well, I dunno where they came from but there were at least three, no four cars tearing up the place, at first we thought they were just kids, looking to scare folk or impress girls or such like but then they began to hit the pumps and when those things go up, well you know it ain't a game then.

They were empty, you know what I mean, I mean empty, no one was driving em but they kept on driving themselves any ways, into the buildings, into the pumps, into people...

I don't how they survived the explosions, don't seem possible but then again, none of this seems possible when you think about it.

We had to keep them back, when the first guy got, well you know, that's when we had to hold them back 'cos he was their friend and everything but you know, after things started to go well, you know, we didn't need to hold 'em back anymore.

That's all, I've told you this already haven't I? 

July 25 New sighting in murdered mum case

It's been four months since she died but still I see her, always alone, always running away.
I've been working on a plan catch her.
The biggest problem will be getting out of here.
She runs so fast I worry I won't be able to catch her.
It's been four months since we met.
The biggest problem is she runs so fast.
I've been four months working on this plan.
The biggest problem will be catching her.

I see her every day now.

July 24 Brilliant Khan blows Judah away

Above the collection of books concerning conflicts through the ages, from The Crimean to Falklands, both World Wars and other lesser known military events were the words ' Khan's War Comics ' gauged into the light wooden bookcase in blue biro. This was both high treason and the epitome of wit in our school in 1975.
Mr Khan, with half his face paralysed ( by being tortured in a Japanese war camp we all believed ) was a primal force in George Spencer, less a teacher, in-fact no one knew what he taught, more a bogeyman in a suit. He seemed to appear out of nowhere whenever pupils were up to no good. A crafty fag on the field ? Khan would walk from the trees and point his cane toward you, if you ran in the corridor you'd inevitably end up face to face with Khan, skiving the day and going round town, you'd always be spotted by the one good eye of Mr Khan.

I survived school, kept out of the way of Khan and made fair success of my life, married with kids and a nice restaurant on the coast, it was only this morning as the radio announced the boxer Amir Khan had beat Zab Judah I remembered all this. Sitting in the kitchen, egg sandwich before me I imagined Mr Khan taking on this man I'd never heard of, imagined him stalking the ring. The memory I hold is too defined to imagine him swinging punches but I have no doubt, that were he in that ring he'd somehow emerge victorious.
Khan, wherever you are, I salute you.

July 23 Jazz and blues fans get the cream

At the disciples of Fad Gadget command all the beards began to melt: by the end of the month they'd be strong enough to mount an attack on Clapton Towers.

July 22 Shining Path 'kills two soldiers'

For the greater good we follow in the steps of those brave enough to walk into the heart of the sun, each of us aware that minute by minute we are dying.

This is what we have learnt, this is the truth we have found, I am no longer afraid of dying but of living and wasting my life.

June 21 Tall ships arriving in Shetland

When will we have fresh fruit?

When the tall ships sail in

When can we turn on the lights once more?

When the tall ships sail in

When will this be enough?

When the tall ships sail in

When will you let me go the dock?

When will you let me leave the house?

When will we have fresh fruit again?

When the tall ships sail in

July 20 Bigger chimney for new coal plant

When Sue got fat he bought her a bigger car: he clearly thinks she's as good as he can get and were she to leave him he'd be alone for ever.

This thought enters my mind as Rob goes to set the balls up and I pay for the pints. I watch him find the triangle and roll the cues on the table looking for a couple of straight ones. It's not right to think things like that about your friends. I wish I was nicer.

July 19 Asian leaders debate sea dispute

I was twelve and earning my first wage. I wore my security badge with pride as I scuttled round the edges of the room. In the middle a large table dominated, it was covered with a giant map of the Indian ocean gridded into irregular sections and a host of Asian leaders were taking turns to claim an area. The Taiwanese had left already in protest at their nearest waters being selected before they'd had time to make a choice. The Indonesian emissary kept cheating when no one was looking and the Burmese missed their turn twice due to their elderly representative falling asleep.

My job was to carry the warmed cups into which an older girl would pour steaming hot tea.

When it came for our break we ran outside and it was then that I asked her what they were doing.

" they're claiming the land where he will appear from next, this is high stakes gambling Yip, the big time "

And that was the moment my life began.

July 18 Web message murder appeal fails

The listing had 14minutes to go, 276 watching and no bids, the majority taken up by a photograph of a middle aged woman, she was smiling but lopsidedly, so you could see a few big teeth but no others. The wording was simple - Can you Kill her for me ?

Time dragged and the watchers increased, over 300 but finally it closed without a bid.

Morgan remained undaunted and uploaded the next one, this time the man with a straggly moustache who'd poached his shopping trolley and refused to reimburse his pound. 

July 17 Irish airport shut in plane alert

With a face pockmarked and fruity he stands blowing smoke from his nose, like a dragon swallowed by  walrus. The powder blue frilly shirt too tight, collars wide enough to fit a pasty on. He signals for attention and draws close to the microphone.
Did you hear about the airport in Ireland that closed due to low flying aircraft ?
Old men spit brown bits into the pints and clap with clenched fists, staring at us with thinly disguised hatred. Once again the time machine has let us down and it's looking dangerous for me and my beautiful black boyfriend.

July 16 Jennifer Lopez announces divorce

Throughout his married life Edward Millard had devoted his working day to the riddle of the spiders cough, which he firmly believed would mutate and wipe out humanity. Unsurprisingly every paper he submitted on the matter was ridiculed by the scientific community. This would be his last role of the dice. At exactly 18.00 EDT in Montreal Canada, Jennifer Lopez would announce to the assembled audience of United Nations he was to begin divorce proceedings against his wife of 19 years, Louise unless they took his recommendations seriously. The delegates would look to one another and with a growing collective memory realise the significance of his sacrifice. Louise who had been to every conference and delegation in the last 15 years, by his side, Louise his soul mate.

If that didn't wake the world from it's slumber nothing would.

July 15 'Magical' jackpot thrills couple

They'd just ran out of milk when the door burst open and Debbie McGee entered their flat. Clearly upset, the glamorous magicians assistant collapsed to the floor. And the most peculiar thing happened, from underneath her dress hopped a rabbit, swiftly followed by a couple of doves, next to appear with a clatter were 14 steel swords and a brace of handcuffs.

'I can't help it, I can't help it ' she appeared to be saying to no one in particular. Presently and with space beginning to run out she turned to face Joyce and Micheal .

'You can keep all of these, sell them if you like, I'm through with it now.'

'Milk!  Lets go get some milk ! 'said Micheal as the lovely Debbie McGee folder herself into a hole in the air.

July 14 Campbell 'like unguided missile'

Arnie Cambells smile was literally wiped off his face by the punch. His lips parted and sailed into the air, two conjoined worms struggling to free themselves,  teeth spinning like meteorites followed, globs of blood expanding and contracting as they hurtled in the trail of the fist.

We replay the tape time and time again freeze framing it on Edwards face as he turns towards the camera, looking for clues, for evil, for revenge, for guilt or sibling rivalry but we see nothing at all. The longer we look the more we see only our own faces reflected in the screen.

Arnie refuses to watch the tape, refuses to talk about it whilst Edward sometimes joins us to look but even then he doesn't understand.

July 13 'Huge interest' in Booth's hotels

The bodies started to pour out the Hotel at midnight but as the only building in the mountain foothills it was easy for  Pops Booth to dispose of one or two. The phone lines weren't working and he would ride into town in the morning, that's what he told himself. After the fourth unexplained death and with the sun beginning to rise a more drastic plan needed to be taken. then the two in the Jacuzzi want down, followed by four in various bathrooms five minutes later. Whispers started to spread amongst those still alive, an old boy jumped from the first floor and ran, he ran as fast and as far as he could.

A similar story was occurring the three other hotels in the Booth chain so it was inevitable Pops never made it to the town, word spread fast in those parts.

July 12 Nothing found in Lurgan alert

" It's the scale of everything that blows you away if you think about it. Humanity is less than a sneeze, less than an ants fart in the universe and the sooner we accept that the better. The weight of everything you know for sure would struggle to hold down a till receipt, the weight of what you don't know could crush a aircraft carrier.

So you found nothing today and that's news? Get back out there and don't take no for answer "

The job club had changed since I'd last signed on and I wasn't sure I understood their message.

July 11 Murder accused loses bonfire bid

The man brought before the cameras looked ashen and drawn but spoke with the affirmation of a man reborn.

" I'd  like to start by offering my condolences to the families of Vertigo Vic and Duke Dixon who unfortunately will never get to see their loved ones again. Without the public my family too would be grieving now, so a plea to you all;  if you ever see a bonfire with a traditional guy and that guy appears to be struggling to free himself please don't walk by, call the police. "

Questions began to be fired towards the man but were cut short by a woman with a severe haircut :

"That's it thank you ladies and gentlemen."

July 10 India minister 'quits over graft'

Dhenuka shook hands with Adil, Vikram and Parm, determined to stay strong till the end.
" It's been worth it boys, one day in the future we will all  be thought of as the great thinkers, ahead of our time but for now they are not ready, it is time for me to move on, I leave you the Health and Medicine Portfolio, let your heads not be turned but stay true to the ideals we have discussed "
Vikram hugged the man they had come to think of as their father.
" We will do as you say Nuka , good luck and gods blessing "
He bowed his head whilst outside the taxi honked its horn.
" Time to go "
Dhenuka waved a final goodbye with all his arms before leaping out the window using his tail as a spring.

July 9 Two children rescued from rocks

So when the beach stopped spinning and I didn't I then fell into the sea smelling the salt water and feeling sea weed caress my face as a collective groan of disappointment lulled me to sleep. I hadn't been the most attentive uncle but at least I'd been there for them. Until I'd fallen asleep that is.

But afterwards, when I woke up, if I hadn't been there that night they may have perished, they may have been buried under the rocks. Admittedly very small rocks, more like pebbles but a cat could have jumped up onto the shelf and knocked them into their sleeping mouths. Plugged and suffocating they could have been, lying there green or purple if I hadn't have acted so quick.

I should be thanked for saving your children not shouted at for carrying them into the night.

July 8 Driver cleared of crossing death

Since Otto returned from the dead he had found as many faults with his life as he had treasures. His wife was disappointing, fatter than he'd have liked; his daughter was passable but his sons were both clumsy and scatterbrained. The friends that came to call seemed boorish and the job he travelled to appeared immoral and unnecessary.

Understandably upset at his new found candour Otto's wife, Maria arranged counselling, to help him remember the man he was before the crash. Initially sceptical of the process Otto soon found himself looking forward to his sessions and little by little as he learnt how the trauma of death and resurrection had likely led to his new found view of the world he began to value and fall in love with his life all over again. Maria was so happy and things were going along just fine until the day Otto received the news that the accident hadn't resulted in his death at all but merely in a brief period of unconsciousness. This pulled the rug from under his feet and the progress towards accepting his life was wiped out in a four minute phone call.

There are days when you wish you were dead and there are days when you wish you'd been dead, sadly Otto felt both emotions as he drove onto the motorway.

July 7 Anthony to be freed within days

The citizens of Kronk held their breath as King Harold stood before the cameras, ready to deliver the most important speech of his life.
Two hundred miles away in the area know as the darkened a beast was stirring. Anthony, the giant, who'd laid waste to whole swathes of the south and had finally been trapped, drugged and encased within a stone prison was about to make the front pages once more.
" Citizens, as you are aware last month we caught and contained the beast known as Anthony the Giant, imprisoning him within a stone box without window nor door but as many of you know, he was too strong "
Flashbulbs flashed and journalists jostled with each other for position.
" Each time we have built a larger enclosure he has ripped it down, he has been like the maggot in a corpse eating his way through to the sunlight, we may have slowed him down but we cannot build any more prisons "
Phones were going off, the throng of journalists was getting thinner, some abandoning their post.
" But, let me tell you this, we have been clever Kronkians, all this time we have been directing the beast towards the border, to Dazrtstein by clever use of weaker walls on the south face of our buildings. Yes, Antony will be freed within days but it will not be the citizens of Kronk that will face his fury "
The uplifting message delivered he raised his hand and grabbed hold of a yellow rope ladder that had appeared over head.
" We will triumph, I will look over you "
And with that King Harold was lifted up into the waiting helicopter and out far far away.

July 6 Search for body ends for the day

Autumn crept up on us as we were sleeping
the leaves brittle red warnings
we work in pairs, fingertips to the grass
no one knows who we are looking for but we look anyway
inch by inch
for months now the bodies have been appearing, all unidentified
one every two or three days
we come together and search to make the waiting easier
Its late and we're struggling to see, time to leave, start again tomorrow
Will you stay with me tonight?

July 5 Executive 'must discuss Red Sky'

The gin took the edge of the day, a couple more and he'd be ok to go home. That's what he was tellling himself anyway.

Another over here when you've a moment.

The man waved a fiver in the air and destested what he'd become.

When I was young I wanted to be Peter Withe, powering a header into the back of a net. When I was older it was Paul Jackson who'd turned his house into a music venue, got a stage out the back and a pool room at the front. I practically lived there for three years, played darts with charlie harper, discussing politics with Atilla the Stockbroker; happy, carefree days.

He's got to write a report later, set out the firms response to the latest incident but for now he's drinking gin and waving bank notes to get noticed.

July 4 Star selected as border landmark

We drift in and out of sleep as the coach winds its way through the mountains, bags under our feet, rolled up clothes behind our head.

I spot the dog star, shining through the murky windows and decide the distance there and back is how much I love you.

July 3 Warning over rubbish fire threat

The Scottish separatist stood before Jim Kerr, head bowed. The bloated simple minds front man floated forwards, his head at an ungodly and particularly Scottish angle, Celtic fury in his eyes.
Behind him Charlie the other one lit the remaining matches one by one and threw them at his neck.
one - the prime minister wasn't there
As each match hit Charlie the other one counted out the ways the terrorist plan was doomed to fail.
two - the voting hasn't started
three - the firewood was damp
four - you're no Guy Fawkes
five - we said no
six - we said no way, no way, no way

It lasted only for twenty minutes or so and then they were gone and the deflated freedom fighter was left to lick his wounds.

July 2 Murray regrets high-risk tactics

The Taj Mahal began to melt so their gamble had failed. Jonas Murray texted his wife, there'd be another name on the sand sculpture trophy this year, looks like it is time to abandon the secret recipe. 

Back at the hotel his wife, Sue's phone buzzed and she read and re- read the message ' Set the Hawk Free ' wishing she'd married a less complex man.

July 1 Death mother 'punished enough'

"When I was last involved with people like you I couldn't sleep,
you and your kind made me scared of the dark, of telephones, of knocks, of people like you.
I wouldn't travel on public transport or fail to fasten three bolts on my front door during the day and an extra one at night.

But that was then and that was before I became known as the Death Mother
Things are different now and I suggest you should be the ones watching your back from now on."

The new teacher had a lovely lilt to her voice but still seemed quite threatening to the majority of Year 6.