November 30 Kinnock's family history secret

If I could push hard enough, into my chest, I'd be able to force a panel open, confirmation that I am a robot. This recurring thought came to me at random times between the ages of 6 and 12, replaced by an ongoing fear that I'd enter my home to be greeted by my family, sat on the settee smiling, but all skeletons. After that I had the one about the man in the mirror and bottom of the bath giving way, the hands that'd grab mine in the dark, the thing at the bottom of my duvet and the fear that my nose had disappeared without me noticing. By the time I reached 16 I'd outgrown most of my adolescent fears, packaged them up and placed them in my memory and in this way I grew into a healthy well balanced young man. This all changed last week when I read my grandfathers diary, every experience I'd had he'd had, every one. I asked my dad about it but he told me to be quiet and clipped me round the ear. I'm 44. 

November 29 Tree disease found further south

Frank stood there and took it all. So much guff.  I told him it wasn't good enough, the steps we would have to put in place, the changes he'd need to make if he wanted to keep his job and he just nodded and agreed with me. The aching doesn't go away, no matter many mornings you wake up alone. Finally, he left and I stood up, the disease is getting worse day by day, I took out my knife and hacked at the roots to free my legs. It's only a matter of time, that's what they tell me.

November 28 DR Congo votes in tense election

On my fifteenth birthday I joined the queue in our school election dressed as Alex from Clockwork Orange,it was to be the third and final time I put myself forward as Celebrity Year Rep. Dr Congo aka Carl Holmes and his grotty sidekick Kid Congo aka Philip Jameson were ahead of me, threatening the year 7's and whooping like angry apes.

" WHOYAGUNNAVOTEFORGIRLYFACE " Carl spoke without punctuation or obvious signs of breathing, I wondered once more how long I could hold his head under water and again decided the answer most would come to is not long enough.

" Me, Carl, I'm standing for election too "

"WELLHOWSABOUTHATTHENYOUBESTVOTEFORYOUTHENASITLLBETHEONLYUNYOUGET"

I let this go without comment, been around the school long enough to know when to remain silent.

" Come on come on Mr Gadd, take a slip and pop it into the box over there" Mr Harris growled at me without looking up from his desk, a knack he'd perfected long before I'd started at the school.

"SLIPITINTHEBOX!" Jameson blew up in a adolescent snort of wit as his mentor shoved me in the chest with his makeshift spear.

I walked forwards, holding my head high, trying hard not to let my bowler hat drop.

November 27 New twist in theatre funding row

Abi ignores her phone, screws up the sheet of paper and tosses it towards the bin, the daily rewrites have become the norm but are still annoying, especially tonight as Pete is waiting in the Polar Bear.
Ever since they'd taken on the New Challenge Funding work has been mental. She licks her pencil, back to basics, need to perform a side step, send the audience one way whilst building a logical foundation for the climax. The aim of NCF is laudable enough: to produce innovative and challenging theatrical experiences but the methodology of monitoring is laughable, stifling. After each performance if more than 25% of the audience claim the plot to be predicable she, as head writer would be docked part of her wage. This focus on originality had led to some interesting final acts in recent months not least a robotic aphid with the head of John Prescott, the art department had never been so happy but Abi is a writer not an artist. She reaches for her phone to text Pete, it's going to be another long evening.

November 26 Barrymore charged after car crash

I gave the driver my address and leant back, closing my eyes, it was late and all I wanted was to get home.
"You want me to go motorway or the A52 ?"
"Don't mind mate, whichever quicker"
That sorted I decided to drop off for a few minutes, it'd take us a good half hour at least to cross the city. I can't say for sure how long I was asleep but as I hit the grill separating the driver from his customers I woke very quickly.
"Wha ? Look at him, idiot, look at him"
 In front of the taxi a young man, probably yet to reach 20 slowly swaggered down the road, purposely stepping from one white stripe to the next in exaggerated strides.
"Get out the way you bugger "
What you doing ? I think but before I say anything the car inches forwards, scooping up the surprised youth. "What'd I tell ya eh ? Like that do ya ?".  I wanted to get out, do something to help but I didn't.
"See ?", Said the driver as we drove off, " told you the motorway would've been better "
I nodded my agreement and decided not to question him further and ten minutes later I was home unaware of what was to come.

November 25 New nuncio is 'unusual choice'

Let me tell you how it is here, our middle management congratulate themselves on weighing the pig so frequently it forgets how to walk. So today, when they unveiled Clive Hargreaves as their new Nuncio, despite not checking his credentials, their joy at this conspicuous efficiency, ever more self self-congratulatory was to be expected. Later however, us worker ants, we came together to laugh at their ineptitude and feed Arno, the real future Nuncio, the one we've rescued from the waste lands, the one that will lead us to our destiny. And that is how it will be.

November 24 Murder answers 'were mumbo jumbo'

When I kill people I do it quickly, their last words are never like in the movies, more odes than soliloquys. Often prosaic, frequently profane, most usually merely sounds so it came as quite a surprise this morning as Bent Louie, fatally wounded from three neat shots to the chest sung the first verse of ' Halfway Down the Stairs ' from the Muppet Show as he made his journey to the afterlife.

Halfway down the stairs
is a stair
where i sit.
there isn't any
other stair
quite like
it.
i'm not at the bottom,
i'm not at the top;
so this is the stair
where
I always
stop.

Quite a shock but strangely moving.

November 23 Lawrence scientist 'made errors'

There was the way he leant to the right when using a microscope or the habit he had of spelling words out with his fingers when anxious. The way I'd felt him watch me that night; by the time I'd made the short distance from the taxi to the porch I must have looked like Alice Cooper and that was the last time he saw me, as I waved him off. Maybe he couldn't see much through the foggy windscreen by then. So maybe that was what caused the accident, not the rain. He always had a knack of knowing when I was uncomfortable and popping up with coffee or a hand on my shoulder, or no hand on my shoulder, whatever was needed. He clicked his fingers when he listened to the radio, like James Dean. I hope it was the rain.

November 22 Beach radiation deadline issued

This is what I'll do when I'm king. Firstly all financial institutions will have to hoist a jolly roger from the top of their buildings, old people will have the right to sit on any child that insists on playing music through their mobile and then I'll bring back National Service - In Space.
And that's just for starters, if The Atomic Energy Agency hasn't released enough gamma rays on the Californian coast to cause people to become superhuman within a reasonable time, say six months, then they'll get closed down.
This is not a threat, this is a prophecy
Vote for Me.

November 21 Sea death boy family hail locals

Softer than air
We stand together, our feet in the lapping waves
people look the other way

November 20 Face painful past says UUP deputy

When the deputy whom the concrete slab fell on came round, he found to his surprise that he'd suffered a series of minor strokes, the least serious of which caused him to end every sentence with the word 'past'.

This story was told to me by a man in glasses too large for his face and to whom I had to buy four pints as payment for this entertainment. Jimmy Carr you have been warned. 

November 19 Tributes to 'fun-loving' soldier

In the last seconds of Joe Kirbys life, as he pulled the trigger only to produce a bunch of silk flower his mind flashed to Curly Chris, the lieutenant famous for his sense of quirky sense of humour.

November 18 Former hotelier jailed for fraud

He forgot most of the story and what he remembered the police ripped to shreds but Connor hoped he'd bought his sister enough time to rescue the troglodyte people and lead them back once more to the surface, the money they'd managed to squirrel away had easily paid for the new burrowing device. Now, to convince Nicholas Cage to play him in the film.

November 17 Abertay 'to remain independent'

Now I can buy meals for one, now I can watch the ice truckers. The rings on the sideboard are all I have left of our time together and if that wasn't veneer I'd sand it. This is what you mean, or meant, you'll never hear from me again.

I send the email and spend the next two hours refreshing my Inbox.

November 16 Liquid lakes close to moon's skin

As the lift door closes Sam jabs at the button but he's too late and as the sound of the cables tightening begins he know he'll never get her eyes out of his head. She'd been only two feet away, a single step. He feels cold suddenly, freezing, all body heat evaporated as if every blood cell and platelet has rushed to his brain, to record her eye in high defination, to torment him for eternity. He lifts his hand to cheek, cold as the moon. But in his mind, her eyes, green with brown flecks, pupils caught dilating as she met his gaze, the iris molten, swirling, a galaxy.

November 15 Implants recycled by crematorium

Ashes to ashes...

I sit quietly, not out of respect or grief but out of fear. I know what goes on behind those doors. I do not want to see the organist with fifteen extra prosthetic limbs, no, I'd rather avoid the tea lady , her mouth with three layers of dentures, a Mako in an apron and I'd definitely run a mile before agreeing to clean out the furnace with Old Bob who's twin pacemakers give him the energy of two 50 year old men. My brother dealt with the passing of our uncle in strange ways, the stories he told me as we sat there in the pews. Well, who laughing now eh Ray, Hows your hip now ?
..dust to dust..

November 14 YouTube wrong way driver banned

To begin with the messages were instructional, go here, go there, place parcel on table, speak to guard, things like that and Robert waltzed his way through these early days. Then they became a little more elliptical, find where the sparrows go, measure the head of a gnat and although Robert carried on as best he could , a knot of doubt began to grow in the pit of his stomach, declining enthusiasm. When the messages became real and not just voices in his head Robert realised it was time to retrace his steps, to unplug the beast and re boot himself. In this way he brought about his own excommunication and now he lives in the woods and avoids electricity. We could all be Robert one day.

November 13 Nothing discovered in city alert

I kick through the rubbish as we work our way through the streets, empty tins of nectarines, a single marigold glove in pink, greying lumps that once were paper, broken bits of plastic crushed by boot or wheel.
The sweat forms on my back but I prefer to remain covered, a noise brings me out of my thoughts.
" Over here, "  Jie, indicating a pile of rocks that used to be a home.
" What you got ? " Breath quickening, hard to run with all the kit. Time is short, Jie called out too loudly, we won't be on our own for much longer.
" Just help "
And I hear a sound, breathing perhaps, blood pumping, but I'm now not sure if it's external or internal now so I join him, pulling at the rocks, cutting our hands, splitting our nails.
As we dig I hear a voice, quietly, calmly, telling me to hurry. Jie hears it too and begins clambering into the rocks like they're breakers on the Cornish coast, parting them with his knees, hurling them over his head, kicking the ground with his boots. I move to the left and follow his lead, triangulating the centre of the rock pile. More rocks than I can count are lifted, strewn and thrown behind us, the pile begins to flatten out, deflated, but ominously flat. And quiet.
The sun is higher now, sending shadows out towards us.
" It's nothing " Jie speaks, his voice measured " let's go "
I nod and we retrace our steps back to the outside of the rock pile. It's time to go home.

November 12 Thousands join remembrance events

A skinny woman dressed in more male clothes than female coughs, introduces her video, the last one of the evening to be shown.
The lights dim and a figure fills the screen, an angry man with a thin moustache. He kicks a door in, close up of his eyes, squinting, a blank rage milking them. The camera pans down to his thigh, partly hidden by splinters of wood. Zoom in closer to the wood, tiny bugs creep out confused and dazed, closer still microscopic parasites on these bugs chewing flesh, slowly but determined.
Over the top a Mancunian voice explaining how every day a scene such as this, or similar or different but equally terrifying is happening to someone, most likely innocent children.
The presentation fades to black and the crowd begin to cheer. The woman stands there, stoically, waiting until the noise quietens before stepping forwards.
" Bow down your heads and be thankful. "

November 11 Meeting due at road crossing site

Alan painted the outlines of twelve chairs on the road during the cover of darkness. Dave kept watch. Convening the inaugural meeting of the Dangerous Sports Soc on the intersection between Beverly Road and Cottingham Road seemed a mighty fine idea but one they both knew needed to be acted upon immediately before sobriety dulled their passion.

Once complete they walked back home, the sun beginning to rise, outlining the finer points of the plan. 

November 10 Pirates defeated by fishing crew

He has a beard, possibly greying, likely unkempt which he's playing with as he asks if I can come to the meeting later.

" Erm, sorry, what meeting ?" I stare at my phone for an explanation.

" The RCP, Revolutionary Communist Party ? you gave your phone number to one of our members last week." His voice impossibly deep and old now as I remember the girl and her lop sided smile. She'd asked me if I'd like to come to a meeting, we'd been in the Student Union and I was dressed as Adam Ant. She'd said she'd liked my white stripe.

" We meet at the Sal at 8 0'clock, if you're serious about politics " 

I thank him for his call and hang up before my mum comes back from Asda. I really hope he doesn't call back.

November 9 No magic economic fix, says Jones

The curtain comes down and a flurry of tiny banknotes are thrown over Jonah Jones, the Economic Magician his fifteen minutes of fame well and truly over.
We might as well have paid to watch a chimp fall off a bicycle. One Banana Two Banana Three Banana Four.
" I'm sorry " Jonah says as he walks off stage, to no one in particular, least of all to the grumpy chimp fixing a puncture.

November 8 Goalkeeper arrested after fight

Clayton Laws stopped punching as the siren filled the air, waking up the neighbourhood. Frank spat blood onto the gravel before getting to his feet. The pair of them stood there and waited for the police to arrive, each breathing heavy. Curtains twitched around the close as the police car squealed to a halt, Clayton turned and waved once to his daughter before stepping towards the car, arms raised high.
From the landing Honey, purposely ignoring her boyfriend, opened the window and called out. .
"See you later Dad ! "

November 7 Number let in unchecked 'unknown'

We watched as they rolled down the hill together, he in blue, she in garish red and purple. Gathering speed they began to accumulate a covering of dust, followed by grass, small stones and scraps of discarded plastic ripped from pop bottles. By the time they neared the pond their girth was over a metre across, he, mainly turf and a few small sticks by now whist she'd rolled off onto the path acquiring all kinds of human detritus, receipts, old pens, triangular sandwich boxes and a surprised and rapidly sickening squirrel.
We held our breaths as they roared towards the city gates. The guards couldn't hope to identify everything that bundled through their checkpoint that evening and decided to not record it at all.
Somewhere deep inside the city he and she will begin to wriggle and vibrate, undercover butterflies about to burst their cocoons.

November 6 McDonnell makes 'new era' promise

Twelve hundred assembled clowns cheered their delight, each honking an over size car horn into the air as 24 year old Brian McDonnel stepped from behind the curtain, the new and youngest ever president of Clown Europe. A firebrand, militant young man who'd cobbled together a hotchpotch of historical mythology and promised to change the world.

" Let me begin by making you a promise. As our forefathers, in Egypt, the religious and social leaders of their day so shall we rise up and reclaim our rightful positions, not as jesters but as Kings and Queens of the new world order "
A flurry of shaving foam pies spurted towards the stage and somewhere an old man with a red nose lit an exploding cigar.

November 5 Rain brings floods and stops play

I turn on the shower to block out the noise.

From inside the bathroom I can see into next doors kitchen. He's sat at the table reading something, the woman is no where to be seen. If he glanced up now he'd see me, alone, in the dark whilst below the party goes on. From his viewpoint he'd be able to see the top of the lounge window, the lights flashing and at the same time the sound of laughter and bass lines. He'd understand what's going on, he'd put down the paper and mouth ' are you ok ? ' , I'd shake my head but not before he'd reached for that pencil on the dresser behind him and scrawled in nice big letters, thick to make them stand out against the news print ' R U OK?'.

He just needs to look up.

I'm not going anywhere.

November 4 Sun man held in police cash probe

My father told me stories, so magical they wrapped round my shoulders and kept me warm on nights alone,  watching an old episode of Star Trek, waiting for him to get home.  He told me once that he would be away for a few days, he needed to visit Russia and capture a rogue bear that was killing members of the Royal Family. I think he was testing my knowledge, if I had told him Russia no longer had a royal family he may well have congratulated me on passing the test. But then I'd never have heard his stories, so I remained silent. He told me another tale, they'd caught the man in the sun, the nemesis of the man in the moon and for reasons explained in earlier stories one of the most fearsome boogy men in the world. They'd caught him using fake credit cards, father had said and he was locked up in the cells waiting to make a confession. That was what he was going to do that night, get the sun man to confess. I watched an episode of Wogan and then a Hammer House of Horror film - the one where pipes bled blood before falling asleep. That was the last time I saw my dad, as he smiled and told me to watch the news later, standing their in his uniform, all shiny and gigantic.

November 3 Axed project's 'limited success'

There are things that bind people together, blood, love and surplus stock. Joanna sits on the train station with her unsold sombreros, 14,000 of them and texts her sleeping partner. It is raining.

November 2 Half of workers 'are ill-treated'

Justine pours herself from the kitchen to the sofa with and pats the shiny white leather seat to her left.
" Aren't you going to join me? "
The three waiters glanced to one another nervously.
" It's ok, my father owns the company "
Before they answer she giggles and stands up, adjusting her dress, opening her arms out in a well practiced pose, chin tilted towards the chandelier.
Music begins to play, violins, a tango. 

Bailemos
que no vea en tus pupilas
una lágrima furtiva,
ni una sombra, ni un dolor.
Bailemos

Let’s dance
may I not see in your eyes
a furtive tear,
not a shadow, not any pain
Let’s dance

The young men have no choices left, they have been here before. Ivor steps forward, " I'll dance with you Miss Justine "

November 1 Terry facing police investigation

Barry lives in a house with no stairs but he gets by fine.

Garry lost his bike in a bet with a travelling snake oil salesman that time had forgot.

Me, I just write down their stories.

Mary follows people on buses all day, randomly selected, swapping victims if discovered. It was this trail of events that led her and Terry to make a go of it.

I describe what they do to the policeman on the end of the phone.

Terry left his family years ago when the science stuff started paying real money.

Barry bought a bungalow for alliteration purposes.

Garry used to like Mary but that was before he found out what she did all day.

Terry and Garry have met in the past but in different lives.

My testimony will be no use whatsoever if this eventually goes to court.

Mary caught Terry when Barry broke Garry.

I think the policeman on the end of the telephone isn't listening to me.

Is this what you wanted ?