January 31 Rank review promise for 'top heavy' police force

 She spoke no English, and we spoke no Portuguese, we’d been taken to her house by a boy that had met us as we’d got off the coach in small town somewhere on the outskirt of Lisbon. We were still young enough to see the differences in one city from another. Maybe that was just the time, maybe not.

That night we managed to find our way to a side street full of restaurants and chose one at random. We got into a bit of an argument about paying for the bread we’d been given shortly after we’d sat down, which we’d assumed was free. Neither of us were experienced enough back then and felt we were being ripped off, which we told them, not our finest moment.

Lisbon reminded me of Leeds, full of strong vertical buildings that leaned over us. We were back on the street by 7 or 8 but everywhere seemed empty so we went back to our peculiar accommodation earlier than we’d imagined. Didn’t know people went out later over there then.

We drank Port and laughed at It’s a Knockout on a small TV with the lady who owned the house, lots of smiling, no words, but a long smudgy night of warm colours and nostalgic warmth.

Oversized royalty figures with giant heads kept trying to get through a gap big enough for one at a time, but not two or three. Nothing more to it than that, but this repetition, a smash, one falling over, the other joining them and a slug of warm port brought us together.

So now, whenever I read of anything top heavy, that’s what I picture, I’m back there, in the house where we left a handful of notes on the kitchen table as we left. That’s why I contacted you. I’m hoping this review will in some way, take us back to those days, pre-children, when everything was possible, all ahead of us”

He stopped speaking and sat down, fiddling with his scarf.

“Thank you for your that Mr Wapplington, we will place it on record.”

He shuffled and started to reply but was interrupted.

“Can you send in the next witness please. We won’t be needing to speak to you again.”