March 31 US in deadly hospital germ probe

St Malcolms Hospice for the Lame and Needy was only twenty minutes by car which meant I could grab a bite to eat on the way, although I wish now this had come from a real shop. I remember sitting in the lobby waiting to be called in, trying hard to swallow the last chunk of donut that had become awkwardly lodged in my throat, this was my 14th interview and coughing up part masticated pastry product was unlikely to ensure it would be my last. Nothing had gone particularly to plan so far, I was having trouble reading my prepared cue cards, it had been a mistake to use the green biro especially on the lilac paper : to say thank you to an aunt for record voucher it would be a fine choice but in this light I needed more contrast.

"Gryff ?"

I got up at the sound of my name and followed the voice through the large doors, concentrating on making my face look relaxed, friendly but professional.

"Hello, please take a seat, would you like a glass of water?"

I nodded my agreement and cleared my throat to introduce myself but in doing so the last nugget of donut shot out of my mouth and landed with an audible smack on the forehead of the tallest of the young women before me. We all stopped for a moment, as everyone decided whether or not to mention it. For a second or two I thought I'd get away with it but then she fell to the ground screaming in agony, her forehead apparently burning and rapidly getting darker, her arms flailing: unpleasant smells started to fill the small office.

I knew then I wasn't going to get the job, I also knew that that was no ordinary donut.

March 30 Ammunition found in house search

The omelette never got made.

The phone number hidden in the giant hen that contained the eggs should never have been left there; the excuse that she made would have been better left unsaid and the ceramic leek with a grotesque face should not have been the weaker object when thrown at his head from such a distance.

She wasn't hungry anymore.

March 29 Bodies of two women found at house

Two tigers on the window sill, one empty, the second untouched; Ross wondered whether this was significant, it was one of those cases where you looked for clues anywhere you could find them. The kitchen he stood in was stripped bare of all free standing furniture as were the majority of the other rooms; they'd seen that as soon as the door had been put through : the staircase rammed full of chairs, tables, chests of drawers, anything substantial that could be used as a barricade was there.

It had taken them fifteen minutes to work their way upstairs, dismantling and passing back furniture as they did, only to be greeted with more impossible structures upstairs blocking any route into or out of the small bedroom. The phone call hadn't been specific but it had been enough to warrant an investigation. There was something in the vagueness that was more unsettling, Ross and Manoj had got there first but neither understood what they were dealing with.

The first body had been found under the a bed, Manoj spotted her foot straight away, the second was only discovered as they tried to lift the wardrobe.

March 28 Small bomb is found on wasteland

Everything is fine now.
She would be smiling.
She would be laughing at us now, here.
She turns my lips into a smile as I remember.
Keeping me in line, in check.

My wife, my mother, my daughter.

Everything is fine now.

Now everything is fine.

March 27 Artists' fear for Thomas Centre

Paul's nose was plugged with dust, his skin prickly to the touch but the balsa figures were finished just in time. Tomorrow, the council leaders were coming for their final consultation meeting and by this time next month he and the other artists, prop makers and photographers would be looking for new premises. Unless...

Quietly, to avoid waking the mechanics Alsatian across, he carried the statues one by one into the street. It was dark, little chance of being disturbed, thankfully. He'd have to sleep there to be sure, his car, a blue polo was parked up ready; blankets and a hot flask on the passenger seat.  After a few more finishing touches  then opening the door by key rather than risk the beeping of the remote control clicker, he settled down and pulled the blanket tight. 

Paul went through the plan and worried once again that he'd only actually seen it work in a cartoon.

March 26 Drillers propose deep-Earth quest

Dear Chief Inspector, Scotland Yard, London.

I have become aware of the threat to our country and perhaps to the world, I wouldn't dream of teaching you to how to go about your business but would like to offer my intelligence, from the ground. (please see attached sketches and annotated map).

I have watched them climb out a hole in the ground armed with bones and roots and old coins. Thousands swarming, each independent of each other, no collective consciousness, we can't shoot the Chief and watch the Indians scuttle back below, we will have to take them out one by one.

I've drawn up plans here for our fight back, phase one sees us repel the invaders, phase two takes us into alien territory, to commit justifiable genocide. I'm emailing these to you so you can get on with it straight away.

(see detailed plans - phases one and two).

yours gravely

David Tebbs

 ps. do you have the email address of the head of the army ?

March 25 Spam Kings sought after takedown

Up from the 36 chambers they came, all black and gold, bats and slacks: Spam Kings, the last gang on the estate, alone in their dominion, eating doritos and ordering pizzas.

Our village has been plagued by trouble recently; crude graffiti, disappearing milk and newsagent walk offs and finally we've had enough. That was why we called them.

If you want to beat a cancer you have to become a cancer Thomas said, he had contacts that could help us in ways the police had been unable to.

That was how how we got in touch with them.

The initial meeting between the members of the village society and representatives of the Spam Kings was cordial I'd say. We have more in common than I'd initially thought, we all like Jazz and Coke for a start and it was easy to agree the improvements we wish for our community.

They start work tomorrow, I imagine it will only take a day or two.

March 24 Jobs under threat at test range

'It's not use arguing with me, we're not allowed to do it anymore so take the bib off and put in over there, in that box. I told you all to keep your mouths shut but someone, No ! listen, take it off. Someone, had to go and blab didn't they, and now we're in big trouble, because of one of you, you going to admit it, whoever it is? No? didn't think so. Right put the bibs in the box and clear off, we're going to have to use the metal targets from now on and those hunters are not going to be happy'

March 23 'Disturbing' town homeless study

Leo checked his phone one last time before gathering the cardboard tight and pulling the blanket over his head. No messages but enough power to last through the night. He'd had the phone for a month now and knew well all the places he could charge it for free: the libraries and office blocks, the cafes and shops.

This was early March and the nights were still cold, it would still be a while before the safety of spring arrived wrapping it's arms around those left outside. Juliet, Leo's youngest daughter had given him the phone the last time they'd seen each other and she'd called him already, only for a couple of minutes but it had made his heart jump up in his chest to hear her voice.

Leo felt the vibration before the ringing started, just as he was about to drift off.

March 22 Rail ferret 'took London train'

Sweet I'm tasting everythings fresh and rancid, dodging the hoardes of people and chasing the flies, right into my gulllet. Blinding the noise and the smell and the sounds in this manor. Needed to mix with a better class of riff raff, escaped the grass and the cows and down the drains I go. Sharper than before up top but camouflaged by a duller coat, my gums ripped from aluminium cans but the broadest smile.
Come here, look into my eyes, I can't promise not to bite.

March 21 Approval for hostile land buy out

We were all 17, caught between two worlds not sure we wanted to be adults having seen first hand the mess they made of things and each other.  On friday evenings we'd go down to the dunes and play Colditz in the dark. Most of would run off and hide whilst a guard searched for us by torchlight;  if you were seen you were placed in Colditz and had to wait to be rescued. Later, when it grew cold we'd go to the pub for last orders,  sand in our hair and out of breath. Those of us that looked younger ordered cokes and we'd sit in the snug and sharethe pints of beer. 

On Friday July 31st I was late out so ran straight down to the end of Blakely to where the dunes began and stopped as an unfamilliar shadow crawled towards me.

The end of the road,  the whole area had been boarded up with metal sheeting, I read the words "compulsory purchase" and left to find everyone else.

The following week we went to the pub at 7 and soon after that we went our seperate ways; colleges, work, wives and children. 

I don't feel sand in my hair anymore.

March 20 UK nuclear plants 'must go ahead'

The boy playing piano wants to stop. The old man with the frisbee tried to get him to stop but was attacked and had to retreat, the three sisters dressed as kittens turned off the lights but the piano glowed from inside and the music continued.
Inside the lavish grand piano a core of pure uranium pulsed; the boy knows he has to play to stop it from going into a meltdown and so he does.
Outside, in the fields the farmers grow radioactive plants, ferns and wheat to provide nesting material whilst a cure is composed.
They fight regularly, the farmers, with those that can't take the music any more but can't give up, they can never give up.

March 19 Council planners to meet on boat

The small man starts his Powerpoint presentation, lights are turned off and a graduated blue screen with black writing appears:

Objective : To ensure the private council discussions are kept private.

The gathered men in suits nod to themselves. A click and the slide dissolves into a series of boxes moving medium fast from left to right revealing another slide with different words but the same font.

Rationale : The words we speak by moonlight register subliminally as private. Deep down our neurons understand that what we say and hear is to be treated in confidence.

The presenter looks towards the audience, it's hard to gauge their reaction in the light of the projector, another click and the third slide is revealed. there are no words, just a photograph of a wooden boat on a lake somewhere picturesque. Inside the boat are crudely cut and pasted photographs of the individual council members, their relative sizes awkward, the boat too small to accommodate it's load.

'Obviously the sky will be dark, but I couldn't find a photo of a boat in the dark that you could still tell was a boat'.

March 18 Messenger achieves Mercury orbit.

Back then I'd sometimes run as fast as I could, imagining my feet spinning the world as I ran, my potential limited only by balance not by strength. It was winter and I was lost, I remember the man that answered the door to me at 2am was in his slippers but acted as if my request for directions home was an everyday and welcome request. He joined me out in the night air and pointed at the tall tower of the hospital in the distance, 'head for that and then you'll be right'.  That night I'd ran home as the crow flies, through gardens, over hedges, breaking a minor bone in my ankle as I did. As I washed my face the next morning, removing the caked blood and taking a pair of tweezers to the embedded gravel I was thankful he had been so courteous.

March 17 'Co-operate or be merged' warning

Kyle wanted to be a Roman centurion but the the army wouldn't let him provide his own uniform.

March 16 US drones tracking Mexico gangs

The American authority have outlawed drone warfare on homeland soil but quietly approved its use for tracking criminal gangs into south america. The sound produced is imperceptible, a low drone resonating at such a frequency that even two to three minutes exposure causes the white and red blood cells to vibrate at different rates due to their relative densities. They intend to send it out in the dead space in the cell phone signals, those pings back and forth used for sms messages. That's the art in the operation : the drone senders need to be absolutely sure who is using the phone at any one moment. It starts at midnight and it shouldn't be too long before we know what happens.

March 15 New parking charges are planned

"No more quick pints that turn into late apologetic phones calls, we move in together or I go window shopping."

He wasn't listening properly and paused a few seconds too long, catching her eye Callum understood he'd have a lifetime to make it up to her but that didn't seem a bad deal.

March 14 Wearable scanner maps rat brains

The next big thing never arrives in towns like mine, buses full of city people drive in at the weekends to take photographs of us going about our daily chores. Growing up in a place like Delton makes you feel like an exhibit, a curiosity the circus had left behind.

That was why, at Greg's leaving party, we were all nervous, he was 21, like us and had won a scholarship to the big fashion school in the city. He'd even been interviewed on the radio and everything, saying how he wasn't leaving Delton, that it was like a holiday and when he returned he'd make the town proud and put us on the map, once and for all.

If you sit in the shadows for long enough the sun looks more a cancer - that was how Marnie put it. And that was how it felt - we liked our world, no matter how strange it appeared and weren't sure we wanted it to change.

Greg never made it back to Delton, sent us a drawing for a portable scanner we could wear when we went ratting, told us it would be the next big thing. We never saw him again and although the drawing looked good and all that, no one wanted to build it, why would we want to know what the rats were thinking? Wouldn't that make us the like them? Those city folk who stuck their noses where it wasn't wanted?

March 13 Sentamu leads steel celebration

From inside the helmet Stuart Johnston felt like a little boy buying rizlas, any confrontation, no matter how tiny would shatter his belief.

' Sentamu is happy', He held his breath for a few seconds before the cheers began and his fear receded.

'You have worked hard again this year and now our time is almost here. No more will we hide like vermin, wait tables and scrub floors...' Stuart felt waves of pure energy surge from the crowd into him as the doors to the barn were heaved open and the fruits of their toil stepped forwards blocking out the moon.

A communal gasp and then more cheering.

'Sentamu will lead you back to your rightful place-'

Then, as the first figure fell forwards crushing those too slow or packed in tight, Stuart once more saw he was wearing a bucket.

March 12 Deadly bus accident in New York

Ernest Bordonni understood the difference between cartoons and reality with great clarity approximately four seconds after spotting the giant black circle painted on a wall, his passengers unfortunately never reached this moment of epiphany although, truth be told, most didn't live long enough to regret it.

March 11 Family of 'Disappeared' relieved

Uncle Parnie never knew the right thing to say, right up until the moment we poured that first spadeful of soil into his mouth, the great galoot.

March 10 Suspended teachers can return

The reforms that led to two thirds of education workers leaving the profession are the only reason that thousands of incompetent and discredited former teachers have found themselves pardoned for their previous misdemeanors.

The move, miraculously popular with those that own news corporations has been christened the 'second chance' philosophy and we see now, our prime minister, bathed in moonlight dislocating his jaw to feast on live mice.

March 9 Discovery in historic touchdown

We are hidden, waiting for the spacemen to leave their capsule. Only God in heaven can watch over us as we watch over them, those with shifty eyes let no man put us under, I say a prayer for myself and check the others.

Wait.

Cometh the hour cometh the cosmonauts.

March 8 Lost golf ball led to burnt body

If I move my head more than a couple of inches either left or right it hits the side. My knees are damp and the smell of wet denim fills the space I occupy. Behind me I can hear the biting dogs that deny retreat and ahead I can smell a featherbed of upturned robin redbreasts. I have two maps in my pocket consisting of a few pencil lines which have been rubbed out and altered many times, one is marked ‘Half Nelson’ and the other ‘Front Lawn’. I came upon them by following messages left for me in a series of empty cigarette packets in the Midlands over a period of three months. And now I’m in a ventilation shaft somewhere in a provincial hotel.

March 7 Womans nine-year damages battle

This has been a long time coming. Martha went missing on Thursday and didn’t show up till the following Friday. When she could offer no explanation for her absence her husband gave up asking and after a couple of days it didn’t seem to matter.

This has been a long time coming. The bag that was found wrapped round the childs neck had lain for three days in the police station whilst they wondered what to do with it. Eventually Vince used it to carry home the sandwiches he hadn’t ate due to an expensive expenses account lunch his wife wouldn’t hear of. Somewhere in it’s tiny ridges lay scrapings of skin, small as plancton.

March 6 AV ‘will mean odder politicians’

Frank Doughty, newly elected Member of Parliament under the alternately vicious agreement lined up three bullets in front of me.

'pick one, you have a complete free choice'

He, like many of the new breed, have a reputation for playing games, bamboozling with so much contradictory yet important sounding information that by the time you leave you've forgotten why you were sent in the first place. My hand went left and then conspicuously to the one in the centre, finding my way into the rules of the game.

'I have to say, before you make your final decision: one of the bullets has a name on it, underneath, where you can't see' he turned his hand upwards to demonstrate,

'and if you pick that one, someone will be shot'

The background noise disappeared and all I could hear was two heartbeats, his much slower than my own.

Whilst eating another spoon of ice cream I studied the scene; the new pro risk taking democratic manifesto dictated a way out of any situation deemed perilous or unfair.

-

That evening I waited to see if the bullets would pass through without any trouble, hoping I'd picked right.

March 5 Gillian warns over ‘slate curtain’

Gillian stands smiling grimly,

'The story starts with the girl who ate too much salad running through the town chasing a horse. He watched her from the church tower and passed notes to henchmen by raven.

Whilst drawing the horse the animator stopped, his pencil hovering in mind air, he couldn't remember how the story knitted together and like god realising he'd made a dodo he understood something fundamental was wrong.'

She prods her finger roughly towards the new intake of students pausing long enough to point at each in turn.

'He never drew again you know, sold his mac and went into teaching, can you imagine that?'

'live in the moment' she continues, 'it's the only way, draw, fill, modify, never think, once you do, you're finished'.

March 4 Council gets drink crime powers

During the back end of 2012 two anti-establishment sleeper Councillors will vote through a series of bills designed to bring down the Man, to show the system for the creaking corrupt corpse it has become and to herald in a new world of anarchy and peace. That they fail will be common knowledge, most of the bills will make little or no impact when leaked to the press but one, the infamous drink crime bill will change the world.

That is why they will knock on your doors, that is why we will meet in private and that is why we must never vote for any of them ever again.

March 3 Summit to tackle Old Firm ‘shame’

William G Peterson and Ronald F Waterstone faced each other over their over-sized leather desk and through matching horn rimmed glasses. Their deputies, armed with laptops, notes, kindles and folders, waited to be called up one by one to attack or defend a particular point of contention like besuited pokemon. It was only a matter of time before their internal power struggles became public and each realised whilst some compromise would be necessary, he who blinked first would be like prime fillet laid out before the master butcher.
' I am happy to concede your men acted with no malice ' Peterson began.

' And I am willing to accept the accident was not intentional ' Waterstone returned with the precision of a two handed backhand.

George H Robinson meanwhile, ex of Peterson, Waterstone and Robinson was busy emailing another limerick to every name in the company address book.

March 2 Appeal over ‘German wall’ mystery

Harold paced out the distance between his front door and the wall once more. Twenty two paces, seventy odd feet thereabout. Not too far enough away for him to have failed to hear it's erection during the previous evening, yet he had slept like a baby, ein kinder even.

The wall was made of large bricks, each double the size of a regular brick and it encircled the whole of his property like a miniature cooling tower or a garden wall on steroids with no doorway yet as the wall was no more than seven foot he'd been able to clamber over and back again a number of times during the day. The first time he got over the wall he read ' welcome to berlin' daubed on the outside. The word Berlin didn't have a capital B and this too irritated him but not as much as being incarcerated whilst he was sleeping.

Forty four paces there and back, Harold pulled a chair from the kitchen out and set it facing his new wall wondering what to do next (as the sun would set a little earlier than usual he had brought a cardie). Against his better judgement Harold felt a hint of excitement at interruption to his life and wondered whether he needed to rush into making hasty decisions, he was after all getting more exercise now he had to climb a wall to leave home.

March 1 A first for Wales Air Ambulance

From a distance it looked like two Godzilla sized drunken storks butting each other like deer, surely this couldn't be true? When we got closer we decided it was two helicopters playing a dangerous game of giant conkers with boulders but why would they do that? As we took out binoculars we could see in the whites of their eyes, the pilots unease, as if they too doubted the sense of their actions.

February 28 Powerful wave device for tests

The baby thought his mother emanated strange high pitched drones whenever she wasn't speaking due to her addiction to playing music at the highest possible level through tiny headphones that managed to broadcast her tastes so loudly every person who came within ten feet of her was drunk on passive melodies.
I thought she was rotten but I shouldn't have rescued her child and understand now that was a bad thing to do, I'll return the headphones as soon as I get out of here.

February 27 Children’s head promises action

The train stopped without warning jolting Wilf forwards into the lap of a flustered thirty something photographer who wondered for a second if she was being assaulted. As he began to apologise the train lurched to the right as passengers pressed their faces to the windows to get a better view. Wilf and the woman, Audrey, she introduced herself as they joined the audience, couldn't believe their eyes.

A shudder past through the carriage, a bolt of recognition and unease, suddenly all the passengers were as one, all united in their normality whilst outside, possibly miles away was something else, something that wasn't them. There seemingly perfect in every detail was the head of young boy, about 8 years old, brown hair, blue eyes, podgy cheeks and about 800 feet in diameter.

He only lasted a few seconds, long enough to promise some vague actions if we didn't change our ways and then he was gone, disappearing into the mountains like a heat haze.

What do you think we should do? Asked Wilf.

I think we should be more careful, replied Audrey.

February 26 ‘Dark-sky- bid’ for remote island

Robert Oppenheimer didn't invent the nuclear bomb, in fact it was a Hungarian Jew named Leo Szilard and his guilt over it's possible implications led him to a life of work dedicated to preventing a nuclear war. That history has damned Oppenheimer and saved Szilard is largely a matter of chance and the speed of communication. Marek Ortiz wishes he lives in less instant times, in the days of Slizard and Oppenheimer where he too could dodge the bullet and his invention of projecting onto clouds would not be called now, only two months down the line, the end of night. Already the islanders for the trial project are campaigning for not only the project to be stopped but also for him to be arrested for crimes against humanity.

February 25 Police release dead girls name

Barnaby pushed through the adults to make his way to the front, it was the third time this month everyone had gathered in the square and he was determined to get a decent view this time.

The older policeman, the one who had bought Barnaby home one time when he'd been lost was finishing speaking.

'...comes to us all but we may hope not in this way. Our community is blessed in many ways but we have a cancer amongst us that we cannot ignore. Louise Williamson was 17 years old, her life is forever frozen in time, no harm may come to her now'

The thinner policeman passed a balloon which had tied to it a small piece of paper. Barnaby watched it fly upwards, unsure at first bobbing this way and that before being caught on a thermal and disappearing from view. He'd known Louise and tried to picture her holding onto the balloon sailing away but couldn't, this wasn't a game anymore.

February 24 Discovery sets out on last voyage

Had her mother kept hidden her original birth certificate then Julianne Gold would never have boarded the plane to Montreal. Had her mother not trusted her ex partner quite so much, she would, as he returned from the registry office, have remarked upon his change of name, nationality and occupation, thus saving her daughter a long and fruitless journey.

February 23 King plans one man comedy tour

They hate me.

Yes your majesty.

I will write them a song.

No your majesty, they will think you foolish and liable to the whims of fashion.

I shall build them a church.

No your majesty they will think you are dying and this may give heart to those that wish to over throw you.

Very well, I shall decrease the tax I ask them to pay.

No your majesty then you will not have enough money to buy off your enemies.

Of course, wise council, Then I shall tour the land telling jokes and humorous anecdotes.

• Pause -
  

That will be wise your majesty as they will enjoy the distraction from their worldly problems but also glimpse Pierrots eye, the sadness behind the clown and this will make them feel sorry for you.

Then we will shoot them all.

Yes your majesty, then we will shoot them all.

February 22 Stewart's panic over laughing gas

As they set off to the grave the pressure of the coffin on his shoulder was nothing compared to the sudden realisation that again, Tom had swapped his nasal decongestant for nitrous oxide.

February 21 Bank refunds dead womans money

They had no option in the end but to return Lauren Rogers fortune. Although the court had awarded in their favour the bank had lost public opinion. Not only had this poor old woman died and then come back to life, forced to be the only verifiable ghost in the history of the planet, doomed to a life of dead celebrity, of endorsements no one had thought possible, feted by every faith leader and dined by every world leader but to have her money frozen and not make a penny from her resurrection was a blasphemy too far for the public to stomach.

February 20 Music of the stars now louder

I started to night walk about a week after my mother died, I'd wait until the house was quiet and dad had stopped crying and carefully creep down the stairs and out the back door, leaving it on the latch as I felt I was too young to be in charge of a key. As soon as I stepped out the air would wrap itself around me and I'd feel calm, a sense of timelessness. Sometimes I'd walk for hours, hiding in the shadows whenever I heard a noise or saw the lights of an oncoming car. We were lucky enough to live in the sleepy suburbs and it was remarkably easy to get around, no one would ask me how I was, there was space enough for me to work things out. At the end of the street there was a small village green which I'd outgrown a year or so ago in my waking state but at night it became my place, I'd sit on the bench and watch the sky, listening to the sounds all the souls were making on their final journeys into space, it made no sense to me that we went back to the earth.

After the funeral I stopped night walking, I knew everything I needed to know by then.

February 19 Reading test to include non words

Since the air cleared people began to socialise once more. Awkward at first, many had spent their whole lives in near isolation. Near animal communication, of their meaning began again, seeing those they'd shouted to, forgotten the subtleties of communication, the non verbal, the way a raised eyebrow can turn meaning on its head. A change was needed.

February 18 Peru potatoes head to ice vault

After the apocalypse during which vegetables had inexplicably replaced humanity as the dominant species a group of Peruvian potatoes begins the daily journey to the ice vault to pay their respects to the elders, those whose sliced and diced bodies had been reclaimed.

February 17 Sun eruptions set to reach earth

If we die tonight, no one left to read our bones, it will still have been worth it. If we die and there is no one waiting to meet us, I will not mind. It's all been worth it, every precious second.

February 16 Kate and William to visit Canada

She paid by card, 'I had to get out the house, my neighbours doing my head in; she's got a wasps nest'.

The man pressed some things without looking up and made a ticket appear out of his desk. Click.

'Kate and William get to visit Canada, and here I am watching a film I've seen before' she continued, 'it's another world isn't it?'

Without looking up the man pressed again, click.

'Here, take this ticket, it's for the seats at the back, they're the executive ones'.

Two tickets suddenly sat waiting to be picked up, the original and the upgrade, her fingers faltered over them, momentarily confused, 'sorry' she said picking up the second ticket and mopping her brow with it ' I don't normally talk so much, it must be the heat'.

He smiled and had he not said 'That's ok, those seats are much bigger anyway' it would have probably been a pleasant ending.


 

February 15 Second death in street in a week

Gordon cursed again as he stumbled over the exact same spot on the pavement that eluded his spider sense each and every time he was forced to make this journey, at least his winkle pickers didn't scuff. Today was a good day to meet a ghost. He checked the piece of paper once more before shoving it deep into his jeans, not noticing the first body poking out of the hedge.

February 14 Men and dogs spark search party

The dogs had returned first, wet and whimpering, the men had followed soon afterwards in a similar state. Louise slinks back against the wall, sinking the last of her bottle as the other four decide to join the hunt. She watches as everyone else becomes a worker ant, batteries are scavenged for a jumble sale of torches, phones checked for signals, plans agreed and timings synchronised. They clatter out, no one invites her but that's ok with Louise, she is no one's poodle.

There are no monsters under the bridge, dogs are man's best friend and the men can't be trusted. If you asked one how far he'd go for you he'd build a rocket. It must be nice on their planet; she thinks on her way to the fridge, a bone for every dog and bitch.

February 13 Donor influenced by guru centre

I sign my heart away with joy. That this untrustworthy organ is prized above all else is the real perversion of our time, this deceitful malignant sore in my chest has drowned out reason when I'd needed to listen. I am a good man but I am a weak man, now I can look forwards, ready to be free.

The man who found this note wasn't sure what to do with it; there was nothing else of note there, just a chalk drawing of Godzilla walking from the waves towards a tiny city. He folded the piece of paper up and made a tiny aeroplane from it, this he placed between the city and the monster, the last line of defence.

The man who wrote the note watched from behind the swings, not sure what to make of this development. He waited a while longer until the figure had left; his footsteps had obliterated the temple in the city he'd drawn. That is a relief, time to go home.

February 12 Fire engine hits fast food shop

He called in the feds, his clientele, more scared of stings than shanks are staying away. There's a stream of bumblebees coming from the letterbox outside, not yet swarming but clearly confused and dangerous resembling a conga line of Christmas party office workers at 2 o'clock in the morning.

Khalid watches in slow motion the fire engine turn the corner and plough straight into the bees. Everyone gets stung.

February 11 Jet crew had problems landing

When I came home in the first week of my university course I went to the pub, the moon, with all my mates. It was the Friday after the Friday before for them but for me it was like visiting another country. I'm not sure where mum was that night but I remember dad taking her place when I returned earlier than I'd planned, one of the few times I can remember him being there when I was a child.

February 10 Device is found at sorting office

When Clive came out the sorting office it was obvious something had gone wrong. There he was, a healthy happy 1300 lb Black Angus cow in a pen full of blue slate turkeys.

'Hold on', he said, raising a hoof to no one in particular, 'this isn't right, look at the size of me'.

His words were of little use however as the pen was quickly loaded onto the back of a van, miraculously large enough to take the uneven cargo.

Late that evening Farmer Gyroscope found a suspicious device near the automatic animal sorter whilst pig swiller Pete kept quiet and began planning the mother of all Christmases.

February 9 Torpedo pulled from shipping lane

No one knows what caused Daniel Morgan to behave so erratically on that day or where he is now. What we do know for sure is that on Tuesday afternoon at 3.40 pm he began to unravel. At first verbally; hurling abuse at anyone unlucky enough to catch his eye this was quickly replaced by physical anguish. Windmilling arms and eyeballs so mobile it gave the impression his head was being shaken by a giant fist at a casino, hoping for 7's or 11's.

The people surrounding him in these now famous few minutes had changed too, some had left out of respect or fear possibly; to be replaced by a different collection, ones that watched this kind of show, I was one of these. In the reports that were written later we were deemed a lower class of person, the kind that watches daytime television. Objectivity always requires a definition and people like me don't do crosswords.

After a few minutes a balloon floated loose from a childs hand and entered the circle of no mans land that had built up around the now silent Daniel Morgan. I held my breath and watched him turn towards it putting out an arm to grab the string, and then holding on tight as his feet began to rise from the ground.

'Don't look down' someone shouted as Daniel began to drift on the warm air currents.

February 8 Snoop devices seen in library pc’s

"That's what I've been telling ya, they have it all ways, every way they get you, nothing like a private world anymore, a private life. No, it's like everyone has to be the same, the right thing all the time, they want us to do this but they treat us like that, the lot of them they treat us like scum. Now, now they have the spies don't they, in the lollipop lady and the human resources lot, they can't let you just get on and be, just leave us alone, no, that's not what they want is it. Yesterday they even had me in the library, checking what I was looking at like I'm an al- Qaida or something."


 
It wasn't going well: the smiling woman looked downwards and wrote something on her notes and then the man in the suit leant forwards and said,

"Thank you, is there any questions you'd like to ask us?"

She stopped as surely as if he'd slapped her round the face. It was as if her real head had been turned to match the rest of her body on a children's toy.

" No, I'm sorry, I think you've already answered everything I needed to know"

February 7 Face of body in woods released

Tuesday:

She kissed me and no one was there to witness it and I couldn't tell anyone as they'd have laughed and called me a liar. She would never ever kiss me again. The thought of never being kissed was bad enough but the thought of never being kissed again is unbearable so I agreed to not speak of it once we left the woods. That was three long weeks ago and it's like we're back to where we were before: acquaintances, friends perhaps. I let her catch me staring but she doesn't react.


 
Friday:

It was on the news today, they identified him. I know it's unfair to blame him but that dead cyclist we found on the way out has blown my last chance of happiness.

February 6 Missing hunter search called off

The dust settled and Grandmaster Flash stepped out of the Vauxhall to call it off.

'Leave him be, he is a vicious man and such a man will not thank you for rescuing him'

The search party were sceptical but couldn't fail to be impressed by his jewellery and dope beats.

February 5 Device examined after town alert

The monolith appeared a day before the women fell asleep. Crowning the car park, punctuating the skyline it was ignored at first (surprising how unquestioning we can be) but after every female in the city failed to wake up on Wednesday morning attention soon shifted to the alien cuckoo device.

A government spokesman says the device is 'magnificent' but concedes they have no understanding of its purpose or link to the strange sleeping sickness.

February 4 Uk most anxious over immigrants

Since September incidents have been reported over the country with an alarming similarity. Each involves a group of friends who turn on one another for what appears to be trivial matters: sixty three people have been hospitalised, twelve marriages are over (eleven new romances have begun) and one woman has remained asleep, her body and brain functioning normally, for over two weeks. The press are rife with scare stories and the government has today dismissed claims that many of individuals had visited Germany in the previous month.

February 3 Liverpool rejects big society

The self styled spiritual leader takes to the stage and clears his throat to announce the coming of his stinking words. Since the boys' body had been found the existing equilibrium had been fractured, people fell on one side or another of the fault line.

'Everyone thought someone would do it, isn't that how it goes? How many communists does it take to change a lightbulb? How many serial monogamists does it take to bring about democracy? The Chinese got it wrong, life isn't about balance and harmony, life is a battle between you and the world and you'd best understand that before the fight is knocked out of you.'

A flower is thrown towards the stage, rebels in the audience begin to make themselves noticed and they start to kiss strangers.

'When people go missing the only people who look for them are those with a vested interest, strip away our personal investments and we're all mercenaries dressed as diplomats.'

Security, men with concrete faces, are called as the protestors rush forwards, their message of love, for now, unrequited.

February 2 Fire mother loved her children

The note was precise, almost prosaic – 'It is easy for me to go now, the chances are I am infected or will become infected and the likelihood is you may catch it if I return so I will go now whilst you are young enough to forget and move on. I do not want to be here when you've done that. I love you more than everything, more than my own life. If you come to me I will be there but do not come until you have to. Always with love, Mum. '

They had to wait till the fire burned out before retrieving the body, the rules by which we live are shifting daily. There is always talk of a cure, people believe in everything and nothing. Those that remain get on with life for as long as it lasts.

February 1 Spain agrees grand social pact

Today is the first day of touch, a social experiment designed to reconnect the Spanish people to one another. Emails and all personal computer access will be blocked after 4 o'clock this evening and restaurants and bars have been given financial incentives to program participatory events. The doctrine is simple – touch someone and touch the world - we are expected to be more tactile, to hug, to kiss and put our arms around strangers and dance in the cobbled squares at dusk. In short we are expected to be more Spanish.

The first televised event is due to start at 6 o'clock in St Michaels square in Madrid where the Moscow Folk Orchestra will perform a selection of European folk songs and traditional dances. Unfortunately this will be without the principal violinist who found out that that being touched by someone isn't always a pleasant experience and has decided to return home on an earlier flight.


 

January 31 Ambulance crash flu patient dies

We fall and think for a moment we've been forgotten, the world has moved on a millimetre whilst we have remained rooted down, slipping through the gaps between people's eyes and their words. It's so subtle, little by a sister's cruel word, the low slung boys' taunts. The crash of every door we've ever been through being slammed in. We gather ourselves and put on uniforms and drive faster, we're in the ambulance; we're on street crossing without looking. We drive on, unaware we've run the pedestrians over.

You and I, we're royalty now.

January 30 Australia unveils new flood tax

The decision by Prime Minister Shelly to flood the properties of individuals who failed to pay their tax on time had been at best, ill thought out. After the disastrous Humber Block incident the fire department refused to co-operate anymore prompting a state of emergency, the villagers began sharpening their pitchforks. Raising his voice to drown out the protestors outside Shelly tries to bring calm to the assembled few in the Castle.

'we need to stand tall, be firm and not be swayed by the ...' he stumbles as objects begin hitting the window, ' by those that wish us ill, the anarchists and socialists...'

His shambolic rhetoric is interrupted by a large rock smashing through the large 18^th century window, pulling the curtain down, bodies scattering in all directions.

'run, save yourselves' he offers but no one is left to hear him.

January 29 Lagarde denies ‘chronic’ problem

A tiny wrinkled old man leapt from a tree, sparking a crash of plates and an array of gasps from the assembled garden party guests. He throws handful of blue and red tablets at the children before being tackled to the ground by a mouthy teenager wearing loose fitting sportswear. Lisa Mulhoon, the new press officer for the Legarde Clinic thinks about throwing her head against the desk and prepares another denial.

January 28 Apprentice star handed sentence

No one noticed in the interview, at least, no one said anything which pretty much amounts to the same thing. He palmed the scrap of paper, glanced at it and then it was gone up his sleeve via his outstretched index finger.

'the line up of beastie boys? Of course I know – Mike D, MCA and Ad-Rock,'

The young girl who'd passed him the note beamed a little brighter.

January 27 Parasites linked to cockle deaths

There's nothing left we haven't tried to shoot, eat, wear or tame, all the dogs have rabies and the cockles have drowned in so special brine. It's been coming a long time: the birds have begun to fall from the skies, the bees are disappearing, bountiful Mother Nature has called time on the wasteful parasites we call humanity.

But on a positive note I've got a red bicycle.


 

January 26 Warning follows stream pollution

Doctor William Hough, his face clearly happier today than in previous press briefings confirmed the cyclist who climbed out of the contaminated stream last week, still as yet unnamed, can now play the violin and cross his legs. More than one of the gathered press were seen to be wiping tears from their eyes as Hough went on to explain that the man had also recognised more than 30 common garden birds by their silhouette alone.

Now is not the time to be counting our chickens and the control orders will remain until all the victims have been successfully treated.

January 25 Body of Italian TV host stolen

My name is Domenico Sorrentino and I am worried I'm alone. He hasn't spoke for over two hours now although I think I can hear something sometimes, muffled, through muslin, a breath or a sob, it's hard to tell. That's what I'm telling myself anyway.

A fog came across the stage earlier in the day, the studio audience assumed it was part of the show but then the coughing began. It can't have been more than a minute before the air cleared but in that time daytime TV's Italo Sousa's body completely vanished leaving his voice alone, the laconic drawl becoming more anxious and piqued as the understandable panic began to take hold.

It's now been examined by people in white overalls and confirmed by people in expensive suits that Sousa isn't invisible in a sense that we would understand and therefore we assume his body to be stolen. That's what we do, we make sense of the stuff that can't be explained and then we wait until it is. It's my turn to sit and talk to him, keep him company whilst we wait for something to happen. The last thing I heard him say was he wanted to sleep.

January 24 Cave offered training after crash

The man stood under the shower until he could stand it no longer; his skin raw and red looked almost peeled.

He towelled himself down and tried not to think of the people who had died, their remnants nestled deep in the pores and tiny crevices of his skin. He'd been sent in by the bureau to evacuate and identify the bodies but the damp conditions and the time scale had drastically accelerated the decomposition process. Eventually they had scooped up most of the remains into bags, he'd been professional and distanced at the time but now...

The owners of the cave have been given a thousand pounds to retrain their staff to count people properly; it is a most peculiar world.

January 23 Irish greens mull leaving cabinet

The air was full of tiny spores, already the coriander and basil had wilted and tensions were getting to breaking point between the protected products in glass or cardboard and those left to tough it out naked. Flour bugs, the cause of the atmospheric poison, had burrowed down into the tiny recess between the panels, waiting for a new home or food source.

Items had been put away without thought, the unpacking entrusted to the daughter who filled spaces like a Tetris programmer, from the fridge to the cupboards and finally the old cabinet that served as a pantry for things which 'may come in useful in the future'. The largest of the greens, his edges becoming brown and crisp had a plan to escape but lacked the ability to communicate efficiently. He had no way of knowing that each of the greens had thought of exactly the same plan.

January 22 Forests privatisation opposed

The principality of Kronk is in a state of civil unrest after the recent announcement that all public land will be placed under the ownership of the Duke of Strata. This change in policy, unveiled live on television on Saturday night appears to be the final straw for the united rebel movements. The 7 o'clock broadcast showed the King himself, blindfolded, throw javelins at swans, each of which had been tagged with an emblem relating to a specific proposal for a change in law. That the unlucky swan may have died but did save all Kronk females from having to wear false moustaches during daylight hours has been cited by the prime minister as a reason to be thankful. This troubled kingdom, regarded by its neighbours as rotten to the core for many years, may finally have a new government by morning.